Dinner for four

I hosted my first dinner party thingy last night. I've never hosted a dinner like that and it was pretty cool. I made my typical dinner, pasta with sauce. Of course, I also only followed the recipe partly before getting distracted and chucking every herb I could think of into the sauce. It came out all right, and after a couple of bottles of wine it ceased to matter anyway.

PATTOTE - Better living through dinner time indoctrination

The One with all the Friends episodes.

Friends is one of those all or nothing affairs. You can't just watch one episode at a time, you have to get a stack of videos or dvds and watch them all together. It's the perfect way to veg out because those jokes never get tired, and neither do the plot lines. Except maybe the whole Ross and Rachel thing which got old about half way through the first season, although it had its moments (Phoebe: "See? He's her lobster.") Best thing about Friends - Chandler and Monica getting together. That ruled.

There are a lot of people who didn't like Friends because the humour was "forced". I loved it because it was sarcastic and occasionally mean. And because I would love to be able to just throw one-liners around like that. Then I remind myself that it was a tv programme and no-one talks like that. And that nobody talks like they do in Gilmore Girls either. Then I have to remind myself that I know that it's a tv programme and practising one-liners in the mirror in case I ever have need of them is totally unrelated. And then I have to go lie down because personality disorders are tiring.

Anyway! My favourite episodes of Friends are:

The One with the Football - (Chandler: "Mini wave in celebration of me!" /does ridiculous dance)
The One with Chandler in a Box - (Rachel: "It's like inviting a Greek tragedy over for dinner.")
The One with Phoebe's Uterus - (Monica: "Seven, seven, seven!")
The One with the Embryos - (There are so many great lines in this episode, and I love when Chandler and Joey ride into the girls' apartment astride that fugly dog.)
The One with all the Thanksgivings - (The turkey and Joey's head. Heh.)
The One that Could Have Been - (FatMonica is so brilliant.)
The One where Chandler takes a bath - (It's a boy bath!)

The early episodes look so bad now though. That's what you get for dressing Rachel up in "fashionable" clothes...

PATTOTE - Better living through snarky one-liners.

How to while away a long weekend.

I fully intend to do as little as possible this weekend. I'm going to start the festivities by eating calamari and chips tonight and watching old episodes of Friends. Tomorrow I'm sleeping late and reading. On Saturday I'm going to the book fair (free entry!). Sunday is the distant future and I haven't planned anything yet. I'm going to get as much mileage out of the public holiday as possible. I hate public holidays generally; they stuff up deadlines and make it that much harder to get the newspaper out on time.

It has been mentioned that I don't update frequentlty enough. I promise to try and add as many rambling passages as possible, starting Monday. Belowe, belowe.

PATTOTE - Better living when I'm in control cause then there will never be public holidays ever again after.

Scary dreams

I dreamt that Cape Town was flattened by a chemical explosion. I only dreamt it once so I'm assuming that I haven't supernaturally caused the apocalypse.

Pattote: Better living through preserving the planet and ensuring my infinite existence.

I hate these things but...

I got this meme from Marissa, the queen of these things. She knows I hate them and yet also knows that somehow I'm genetically programmed to answer them.

1. Three best movies you've watched recently.
Shopgirl (I now really want to read the book)
Memoirs of a Geisha (I really liked the book)
The Anne of Green Gables collection (I still read these books)
2. Three favourite songs at the moment.
Rascal Flatts - Broken Road
Olivia Newton John - Cry me a river (don't even ask)
P.O.D - Let you down
3. Favourite dessert.
Apple crumble
4.(a) Two physical characteristics you like about yourself.
My eyes and my freckles
4.(b) Two physical characteristics you like in a significant other.
Collar bones and eyes
5. The most unforgiveable thing anyone could do is:
Humiliate me in front of others.
6. If your were to dress someone up as yourself they would be wearing...
My pyjamas (the blue ones) with a Western Province cricket tshirt.
7. Three favourite magazines:
Cosmo, Time and... I actually don't read any other magazines. I really like Men's Helath when I get hold of it.
8. A new favourite bad habit:
Resetting the alarm clock until I only have an hour to get ready and get to work, at which point I convince myself that I have to take the car.
9. Dream house:
Stone cottage set among trees with a stream nearby.
10. Which five people would you have with you on a desert island and why?
Jacques Kallis, Herschelle Gibbs, Shaun Pollock, Mark Bouche and Daniel Vettori. Calypso cricket season mon!

Dog logic

Sappy sounds

God Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

PATTOTE - Better living through- damn, I have dust in my eye.

Concrete evidence

This weekend I dug foundations and mixed concrete. I never knew that concrete was such a complex substance with so many finicky qualities.

Did you know:
1) That concrete can take up to seven years to set completely?
2) That concrete dries properly when it is kept wet?
3) That if it sets too quickly it will crack?

Neither did I.

PATTOTE: Better living through knowing the chemical make-up of cement shoes.

The Red Rocket

To know me is to know that I wax lyrical and swear vociferously at my car in equal measure. My lovely car, a red Chrysler Colt built when Noah walked out of the ark and Moses wore short pants. It leaks in the winter on the driver's side and makes nice squelchy sounds when I change gears. In spring little plants grow next to the clutch where I've tracked in mud. The back is a neverending morass of dog hair; the back window (attached to the door that doesn't work) is a morass of dog spit. The boot lock ripped away from the metal (probably because of rust) and is now tied down with some wire. This doesn't help the already flooded tool box which houses a couple of miserable rusty spanners and a hapless yale lock that only The Father knows the reason for.

My car, my beloved car, which for several months now has refused to go up De Waal drive in anything other than second. Which tackles speedbumps with a will but crumples on the way. Which has a second hand petrol cap that can only be replaced by me because I have the knack but makes all the petrol guys paranoid because now they think I don't trust them. Which had an irreplacable oil cap (although the tow bar cover worked for a couple of months) and now has one that cost me an arm and a leg and a fortune in petrol, driving around from spare shop to spare shop, where seedy men checked me out or gave me bewildered looks. An oil cap that still doesn't fit and has to have a bit of cloth fastened under it so it will stay shut.

My car, my beloved car, which had a nice service last week but stopped in a spectacular fashion on the M3 the other morning when I was already an hour late for work (typical). I had to call a tow truck, take it to a mechanic, the whole tooty. It's fixed now for the forseeable future.

The best part of the story? And why I love my decrepit, heap of shit, gift from my awesome parents car? Because the mechanic said when they test drove her she backfired so badly that people were ducking on the pavements. I would have paid good money to see that.

PATTOTE - Better living through rusty red cars with cool wing mirrors.

Another Harry Potter phase

I go through these Harry Potter phases every so often, when all I want to do is submerge myself in the Potter world and I voraciously suck up every iota of information I can find. There are other books that do the same thing; it's not just a Potter thing, it's a Liz obsessively getting into whatever interests her at the moment thing. I had the same dedication to Star Trek in high school.

The worst part about these little lapses into obessession is that I find it very hard to switch off after I've read the book or whatever. So I can keep worrying about the characters for hours after I've actually put the book down.

My favourite character from the Harry Potter books is Remus Lupin, the tragic werewolf with a heart of gold. I've loved him since JK Rowling first introduced him. She's written him perfectly as this lovely person with a horrible disease that makes him into a monster once a month. The rest of the time he's this mild mannered, quiet man who keeps a tight grip on his feelings and never lets anyone get close.

Maybe the reason I feel sorriest for him is because, like Harry, he has lost everything. I'm hoping the last book will bring the two of them closer (Harry is leaving school and he will need Lupin I think) and that JK Rowling will stifle any desire to kill him off.

The man seriously deserves to be happy. It's pretty cool that a writer can create this completely imaginary character that the reader ends up caring so much about.

The books I love the most are the ones where the characters are so alive I feel like I've lost close friends when the story ends. That's why I can read them over and over again.

Literary Lessons

Endless rows of endless faces
smudge life as far as the eyes
can see
peering to the bitter edges
trying to find the rest of
me

Endless rows circle faster
spinning swirling sicken stop.
One room, staring, at the walls,
blackness staring back.

TOMATOE

For some time I have been aware of an anti-PATTOTE organisation that uses propaganda and smear campaigns to undermine the glorious victory that is rightly mine.

The One Man Against The Overlord Elizabeth (TOMATOE) considers itself a kind of freedom fighter and does not hesitate to spread paranoia and discord amongst my followers. His refusal to pronounce my acronym correctly (it's PATTOTE not POTATO) is reason enough to incite my loyal followers to squash the TOMATOE.

But then I remember that he's had years to overthrow me and yet, nothing happens. Why? Because he can't stay awake long enough:



Happy Birthday Robs!

Here's hoping the year brings you the brilliant things you deserve.

What I did on my vacation: part the second

I've never properly understood pub culture to tell you the truth. The idea of your favourite local is a bit foreign, although I suppose sitting around in The Rat on a Friday afternoon is pretty much the same thing.

However, we went to a couple of pubs and The Sister's Fiancé is an aficianado of same, having been a chef in pretty much every pub between Banbury and the Lake District.

Pubs are definitely not bars; people go to pubs to watch the football, have a pint before going home or go there for supper. In a lot of ways pubs are like Spur (God help them). They're even franchised out; one of the most common lot are Hungry Horse which seem to be everywhere and come complete with jungle gyms outside and cherry machines inside.

What did intrigue me is that everything is self-service. Food or drink, you go to the counter and order it and then they bring it out (with a poor attitude I hasten to add). You don't even tip the barman for drinks. When I asked The Sister's Fiancé if I should he practically recoiled in horror so no wonder everybody working there would rather be elsewhere.

Atmospheres vary. There was the decorated-by-an-eccentric-aunt-and-her-scruffy-mutt-who-came-to-visit-at-the-table one in Pangbourne amd the run of the mill one on the way to Banbury where you had to wait for the leeks to grow and the potato famine to end before you got your soup.

On our way back from Chawton (Jane Austen's home - the signpost for Hampshire says "Welcome to Jane Austen country", how cool is that) The Parents and I visited Watership Down. We found this pub on our previous family holiday when I was 11. It was an accidental discovery brought on by six people crammed into a peugeot cramping at once. It's lovely, with a beautiful view and chickens scuttling about. There used to be bunnies around the back but the waitress told us they'd pegged it and the staff now prefer poultry. I was struck by the lovely conservatory-type dining room and the retro 60's toilet seat cover decorated with perspex flowers. And of course the Ploughman's Lunch. The most wonderful lunch imaginable with gherkins, pickled onions, pate, cheese and Branston Pickle, washed down with a nice cold Strongbow Cider. Made up completely for the lack of bunnies.

The other pub that I'll remember is lovely for other reasons. The Sister, Fiancé and I all went to this place in Stratford and munched an awesome lunch. In that moment, when we were just talking, rubbish and otherwise, I thought: this is my family.

This is my family waiting for potato and leek soup. The Mother, The Sister and I get giggly:



The Sister and The Sister's Fiancé get nauseating:



The Father just keeps his head down:

What I did on my vacation: part the first

I've always had a bit of a soft spot for ducks. They're rather pretty creatures with lovely eyes. My distrust of larger birds (ie geese and swans) was confirmed by several run-ins with my feathered compadres on my recent visit overseas. Have I mentioned to anyone that I went overseas? I've tried to be subtle about it. I failed? Oh well.

Anyway, my first run-in with the birds was fairly innocuous. This one in Henley-on-Thames was more perturbed by the sodden shoe someone had left behind than the psycho South African cooing, "Here ducky, ducky, ducky," attempting to lure him with salted liquorice and sherbet lemons. It's all I had with me, all right?



Things were waddling along nicely but my visit to Stratford-on-Avon nearly unsettled my fascination with water birds forever. In between admiring the lovely buildings, picking postcards of picturesque Stratford and generally mooching along with the Sister, the Sister's Fiancé and Curtis-the-fetus, we tried to feed the duckies with duck food (which was very obviously remarketed pedigree dogfood at 50p a pop).



Yes, yes, aren't they just lovely. Beautiful, graceful, elegant. Not shown, the gang of geese who sized up my defenceless ass and rushed me for the food. Also not shown, the Sister and I debating whether to flee or keep our dignity intact by feeding them really fast and hoping to get rid of them. Eventually we fled and ate icecream instead.

I never had dignity so it's not that hard to miss.

Return of a weary traveller

My visit to places far away has finally ended and I'm back. Upcoming posts will include: Top 10 cultural differences between us and them, How to navigate roundabouts without facing certain death, Swans: graceful creatures, murderous birds, and SatNav: the end of the modern family?

Stay tuned...

Me

To satisfy that noisy peanut gallery.


I'm the one on the left.

Boingggggg!

Hee!

PATTOTE - Better living through bouncing US presidents.

Meanwhile, back at the...ranch?

1) It has been pointed out by members of the peanut gallery (ie The Father), that melkkos is spelt with two k's. Sorry.

2) The link to The Grub Report has.been.fixed. Thanks Kris!

3) Runners are mad people with a deepseated fetish for sadomasochism. It's the only explanation for why anyone would voluntarily slog up Hout Bay main rd, after slogging up Chapman's Peak, cramping so badly that they can barely stand.

4) Being cheerful is hard work. And blowing a whistle for seven hours is exhausting and tough on the ears and the teeth. However, cheering generally is pretty fun.

5) Prison Break, Veronica Mars and Lost are the coolest shows ever.

6) Lee and Rajesh are so getting back together, if Lee would stop being an idiot and give Rajesh a chance. Poor Rajesh.

7) Marmalade and toast are a gift from heaven to make our lowly existences prettier.

8) One week to go. Rob leaves today (lucky bugger) and I'm meeting him in London to go to Paris for two days. So we'll be able to say "We'll always have Paris." Because lets face, we'll start arguing on the chunnel and by the time we get back...well...we'll always have Paris.

9) I was missing varsity a bit (in that autumn in Grahamstown nostalgic kind of way) until Leigh told me about the essays she's marking. That cured me pretty fast.

10) When giving hooves to little black labradors to eat, remove last little bit before she eats it (whole!) and proceeds to hork it up for the next two days.

11) Nanny McPhee is bloody funny. Colin Firth is, well, Colin Firth, and Emma Thompson is brilliant.

12) Six-year-olds are amusing even if they don't understand the rudiments of Monopoly and get upset when you won't let them buy some property you want so that you can crush their innocent spirits.

13) I have a week to go. I'm jumping out of my skin with excitement.

14) My boss made me a new ringtone; it's a verse from Harvey Danger's Flagpole Sitta, the part that goes "paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get me"...heh.

15) Did I mention to anyone that I'm going on HOLIDAY. In a WEEK. To the UK. I'm not sure I can last that long.

PATTOTE - Better living through the minutia

These are the cool people

My obsession with Gilmore Girls opened a new world for me. It led me to Television Without Pity (don't fuck with Tubey), which in turn led me to a nexus of smart people with cool websites. As if I needed an excuse to waste more time on the internet, I was introduced to Tomato Nation, where Sars gives the smackdown to stoopid Americans, The Grub Report, where Keckler smacks down stoopid American eaters, and Chicklit.

I really dig these sites and the smart people who created them. What do you need to succeed in this life? Rapier wit and html.

All the sites can be accessed through this nifty hub. My new favourite is Go Fug Yourself, which pretty much eviscerates, well, everybody.

PATTOTE - Better living through not caring what the hell anybody else thinks, because really, your website your rules.

A family treat

Tonight I'm going to have stovies for supper. Stovies are an Ellis family tradition, a dish invented by the gods and guarenteed to send the family into spasms of joy. Other dishes (egg and chips, melkos, mince and dough balls) could also bring joy to the table, but stovies...fwah.

It's simply mashed potatoes and pork sausages (chopped into pieces and mixed into the mash). You can add some onion to liven it up. I always like it with some chutney or hp sauce, or, when I still ate it, msg laden aromat.

Just smelling pork sausages can make me miss my family. What can I say, we're pigs.