Save the world by eliminating...well...everybody else.

I have a dream. My dream extends across the world. It embraces the environment, cradles our abused and downtrodden eco-systems, coaxes and appreciates our beleaguered weather patterns. My dream involves peace, harmony, charitable co-existence and the complete and utter annihilation of people.

Originally when I set up People Attempting To Take Over The Earth (PATTOTE), I was just going to throw a bloody revolution and take complete control of everything. I had a long list of how my being in charge would help everybody, most of them revolving around the abolition of personal vehicles.

1) You will either be a pedestrian or a mass transit user. No cars, trucks, mopeds, scooters, heelies or other inane bewheeled devices equal no being run over by uncontrolled children or blind pensioners.

2) The new pedestrian rules will insist on everybody travelling in one direction on a given pavement. Up one side, down the other, simple.

3) There will be no dawdling on said pavement. The minimum speed will be a brisk walk and to discourage the soon-to-be-illegal practice of window shopping, shops will have to have shuttered windows. But lest you think I'm being excessive, the shutters will bear the great pictures of history. Or possibly propaganda. I'm undecided. It doesn't matter, you won't be able to stop and look at it anyway.

4) Single file. All subjects of the newly ordered and anally retentive regime will be required to march..er...I mean...proceed at a brisk walk, one behind the other. And if your brisk walk is too slow for those behind you, a quick overtaking maneuver will be allowed. But hold formation before and after said maneuver.

To my mind, control depends on two factors: keep people cold, hungry and ever grateful for the little you give them, and control their pedestrian habits. This will naturally spill over into their homes and create a nice robotic environment. Bliss.

Of course, that was the original idea. When I was still prepared to give humanity a chance. Now I say drive everybody into the sea. I'll retreat to my private island where my favoured few will take care of me. I might let them repopulate the earth. If they promise to walk in single file, not dawdle or window-shop. Is that really asking too much?

PATTOTE - Better living through my way or the high way.