This moment

I was sitting at my computer at work, editing some courses that need updating. As I was unravelling the XML (stupid farking XML), something caused me to think about a friend, which in turn made me think of Rhodes, and suddenly I had a little vision of my 21-year-old self, walking the streets of Grahamstown, sitting in lectures, and getting merry at Friar Tucks. It seems so impossible that that person was me, but it was me.

It was so long ago, and just an instant ago. And I thought, I existed in that moment. Now I exist in this moment. All I know is that I have a memory of prior moments. A long chain of moments, some of them clear, some of them hazy (and getting hazier by the moment).

Seeing The Sister in the hospital nursery. Seeing a 50 pence coin for the first time. Photos on the first day at school. Camping on empty beaches. Walking on the firing range at school. Getting detention. Getting an A for the first time. Being told to stop breathing, or else, by someone at school. Having my first dance to Please Forgive Me, by Bryan Adams. Getting all my hair cut off and getting contact lenses. Going to see You've Got Mail, over and over again. Singing the Happy Birthday song at Spur, over and over again. Finishing Matric, R500 richer. Sitting in my room in Beit after my parents left, wondering what the hell came next. Being shmoozed by an oily guy with a borrowed guitar. Having The Best Friend rescue me when oily guy dumped me right before my first journ exam. Obsessing over someone I couldn't have. Staring at the ceiling of my first digs, with Siska lying on the bed next to me, silently supportive. Staring at the ceiling for days, wondering if this was it. Sitting in Michael the Therapist's office. Being told over and over again that I have the right to my feelings, that I don't have to feel guilty. Cutting someone off. Falling down the stairs in Friar Tucks. Wishing I had the strength to take myself out of an equation. Driving home from Rhodes for the last time, with all my worldly possessions in a bakkie. Stopping for biltong at Storms River Mouth and remembering four years earlier. Going to Newlands for the first time with The Father, and watching Jacques Kallis score a century. The Mother forcing me to apply for the position at The Southern Cross, even though it was the closing date. Going for the interview and thinking shiiiiiiiiit. Finishing my first day at work, and thinking, so this is it then: working life. Listening to shit loads of illegal music. Eating a lot of sushi. Hurting my back and getting my driver's licence, despite being barely able to walk. Going to see Counting Crows by myself at the Vellodrome and seeing Marissa for the first time in years, and rekindling an old friendship. Saying goodbye to The Mother at the airport. Saying goodbye to The Father at the airport. Having my first Christmas with The Best Friend's family and playing 30 Seconds. Learning Tai Chi. Seeing My Family at Gatwick. Feeling Jamie kicking in utero. Standing at the top of the Eiffel Tower with Rob. Saying goodbye to My Family at Gatwick. Making it all the way to the passport checkpoint before crying and then crying all the way home. Saying goodbye to Siska in her crate. Doing Karaoke in Stardust and laughing my arse off. Meeting a new person, who was there and then was gone. Selling all my books. Putting my hand on a bible and swearing allegiance to Queen and Country. Leaving Cape Town for the last time and feeling a pang of, now what? Kayaking on the lagoon in Maputo. Eating my weight in prawns. Bribing our way over the border. Getting my passport. Phoning The Sister to tell her I'll be arriving the day after tomorrow. Getting a taxi all the way from Heathrow to Reading, because I was that desperate to just get going. Surprising The Mother and The Father. Meeting Jamie for the first time and him holding out his arms for me to pick him up. Waking up with pins and needles, and thinking that's weird. Going for the interview in London and thinking, that's the job. Commuting for hours and hours and hours and hours, through the longest winter of my life. Watching the doctors put electrodes on my feet and trying to get a nerve reaction. Thinking: uh oh. Getting a diagnosis. Being more freaked out than anticipated. Living with a psycho bitch. Seeing Counting Crows and Goo Goo Dolls in Hyde Park. Moving into my own flat. Buying up books to replace the ones I sold. Having The Best Friend visit for a lovely long holiday. Being done, done, done with the magazine. Having consolatory margheritas with Hayley. Getting the Perfect Job. Having the the Perfect Job go under. See The Hellmouth for the first time and think: uh oh. Sit at Retail Company and bang head against desk repeatedly. Doing many, many, many crosswords. Doing the reading at The Sister and The BIL's wedding and making it all the way to the end before losing my composure completely. Still being at Retail Company and slowly losing the will to live. Saying goodbye. Having Jamie tell me: "Auntie Elize, I luff you." Going to see The Lion King, and drinking far too much red wine with Hayley. Watching food porn. Buying a car. Going for the interview at University. Getting the job.

And here I am. In this moment.