Sometimes I wish I was a character in a book that I was reading. It would be so much easier to see, in black and white, what people are thinking. What they see when they look at you. It would be so much easier to live up to other people's expectations if I could see them written down - it would be so much easier to live up to my own expectations then too.
I write so many scenes in my head, and have so many conversations with people there - people I know, and people I've made up. If you know me in life, you've probably featured in something I've dreamed up. I argue with people there, and laugh with them, and tell them I love them, or I hate them, or I admire them, or I never want to speak to them again.
And then I meet them in the here and now, and they're real people, with their own inner lives.
And once again I'm left with the feeling that the older we get, the more like islands we become.
Quietly sealing parts of ourselves off from the outside, lest we lose them forever.
3 comments:
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I just wanted to show my appreciation for this post.
x
ps : I don't think we become more lonley with age, just that we start to figure out the truth.
No matter how much friends/lovers you have or how close you become to them , you will always be alone, somehow...
xs
It's strange: I do that, too, have mental conversations with a whole crowd of people, some real, some fictional (my fiction or someone else's), and then marvel that other people have their own inner lives, just as varied and weird as mine, which I will never see.
But it doesn't make me feel isolated or lonely. It actually makes me feel oddly connected to other people, and gives me hope on the days when humanity kind of seems stale, flat and unprofitable. All the seemingly mundane people in the Tube car with you have these rich inner lives. It's amazing.
I dunno; I'm weird. :)
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