It's life, Jim, but not as we know it

On Tuesday I went into the chippy around the corner. Not just any chippy - they do fish and chips, Chinese food and kebabs. In order to get my food I was required to have a long chat with the keepers of the counter. They asked me who I was, because they'd never seen me before. They asked where I was living before. They asked why I chose Milton Keynes. They wondered if I knew where the various highlights were located. When I took out my book, they asked me if I was a book person. And if I wanted chips with that.

On Wednesday I trudged past the chippy in the rain and I saw the same two in the window.

Today I returned to said chippy (yes, yes, I know, I know, I'll be healthy again next week). They greeted me with "hey Londoner", said they were going to wave at me yesterday but I looked like I was in a rush, how has my week been, how am I settling in, do I like Milton Keynes, and do I want some chips that?

How does it end?

I've consulted tabloid stars, broadsheet horoscopes and internet predictions. I'll turn over tarot cards, throw apple peel over my shoulder and consult tea leaves - I'll even give coffee grounds a try. I've sat in church and prayed (admittedly not enough), I've lain awake at night and pleaded, I've screwed up my eyes and repeated "Now I lay me", wondering if ending it differently will make it all end differently. I've eyed up the hotlines of phone psychics, I've walked past flea market clairvoyants, I've tossed coins down wishing wells. I'm carrying a St Jude's medal on my keyring but am transferring it to my wallet just in case. I've crossed my fingers and held my thumbs. I'm not standing on cracks, or walking between posts or under arches. But I still don't know how it will end. And if it will all be all right. I just need to know everything will be fine.

It'll be fine.
It'll be fine.
It'll be fine.

I said it three times, that should work.

Maybe if I say it with more feeling.

Please, please let it all be fine.

A truth universally acknowledged

'That is very true,' replied Elizabeth, 'and I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine. I dare say I would've cut his throat had not the unmentionables distracted me from doing so.' Pride and Prejudice and Zombies - Seth Grahame-Smith

Dear Sophie Kinsella

I loved Can You Keep a Secret. It was just what I needed after binging on crime fiction. And can I just say that what I enjoyed most about the characters Jack and Emma was that they were both capable of apologising? It was nice to have someone admit they were wrong on paper. God knows, it never happens in real life.

kind regards

A Fan

PS I'll stop comparing you to Cecilia Ahern now. That was an unfair thing to do. I'm sorry.

Burning questions

Is it better to:

1) Eat three courses, enjoying every mouthful and then moving on, so that by the end of the meal you've got lots of different tastes in your mouth?

or

2) Have one course, so that you can savour and enjoy that one dish, and that's what stays with you?

I know I can rush through a meal, so that by the end I can barely recall what I've just eaten. I would like to learn to slow down, to remember to taste and savour everything. But sometimes you just want a dessert. Does that ruin what came before? Does having the chocolate mousse kill the delicate seafood paella? Should I just eat the paella? Or, um, the chocolate mousse?

Dear Nora Roberts

Excellent work switching to a new publishing company. There were far fewer mistakes in Black Hills, which just helped me enjoy the mystery that much more. My only criticism would be that it had some stong similarities to Montana Sky. That said, I did like it. It wasn't a thriller by any means, but it was a good read.

kind regards

A Fan

PS Why did you let Brittany Murphy near your adaptation of Tribute? She's horrible! And can't swing a sledge hammer to save her life.

Horse sushi

Finally - something I won't eat!

Thank you, new co-worker, for killing my usually voracious appetite. When I finally hit the magic 80kg, I'll know who to thank.

Benign neglect

In the last three weeks I have:

* Ended one job

* Moved to a new town

* Been unemployed for a day

* Been re-employed

* Moved again, to a different town

* Hurt my back

* Finished a number of books

* Seen the new Harry Potter movie

* Not updated my blog

I will attempt to do better.