Fond memories? Well, the bran muffins were quite nice

Two years I spent in Michael the Therapist’s office.

The first three months of that was spent with him patiently trying to get me back on topic.

I deflect awkwardness and emotional intensity with humour and general, useless trivia, who knew?

The next six months was spent coaching me in the right to my own feelings.

Michael: Are you feeling angry?

Me: Nah, I don’t really get angry. Or annoyed. Or have any negative feelings whatsoever about anyone other than myself, and I deserve it.

Michael: You’re allowed to be angry.

Me: Oh no, that doesn’t sound right, angry is bad and destructive.

Michael: How about if I keep attacking you and making you angry?

Me: Did you know that the scientific word for a llama is llama llama?

Michael: *Slams head into desk repeatedly.*

Finally, a breakthrough. Except you’re supposed to act on anger and negative emotion with confrontation? Don’t think so!

Me: So, ok, I’m angry. Cautiously angry. Not at myself, but someone else. But no doubt that’s my fault.

Michael: Why would you say that?

Me: Oh…don’t do that.

Michael: Do what?

Me: Make me come up with my own answer.

Michael: You’re angry with someone else. Why is that your fault?

Me: Because…because…

Michael: You could explain why you’re angry.

Me: And actually express emotion to the person who has caused that emotion? That’s just crazy talk!

Michael: What are you so afraid of? What’s the worst that could happen?

Me: They could tell me it’s all my fault and I’m a terrible person.

Michael: Are you?

Me: That’s all the time we have today.

But cognitive behavioural therapy gives you tips on how to confront! No matter how badly you want to run away. And it did work, to a point. All those hours spent practising how to respond and why and when, they all helped.

But now I wish we spent more time on shutting up irrational voices. Confrontation actually hasn’t come up so much in last 12 years, but The Irrational Voice, and her irritating companions, What Did You Expect, Paranoia, and You’re Not Good Enough has come up plenty.

And really, what is there to do? Nothing. I don’t believe the irrational side of me (except at 3am). I realise that actually, all people have the irrational side. I don’t let it prey on me as much as I might have done at one point. It’s just that having it there at all fills me with fear. Because sometimes, I do believe her, and I react stupidly, or brood, or am needlessly anxious. And every minute I give in to the voice, is a minute of reality wasted. It’s time I need to talk myself out of whatever harebrained reactionary thing I want to do or say or scribble or post.

It’s reassuring that the voice isn’t there as much as it once was. It means that I believe that my life is ok. That I’m happy and contented and making my way through that life well. But I want it gone, full stop. And that’s probably never going to happen.