Books, books, books!

Marissa gave me three new books to feed the addiction. They are:

Fever Pitch by Nick Hornby (to fill out my collection)
Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer (a book I wanted to read forever)
and
Vanilla: Travels in Search of the Luscious Substance by Tim Ecott (which sounds decadent and fascinating)

I can't wait to get in there.

PATTOTE: Better living through libraries, especially mine.

Going to hell in a handbasket

I love this saying. Not only are things going to hell, they're going in a pretty container, probably with bows and flowers attached. You just can't get much more pear-shaped than that.

PATTOTE: Better living through me, cause the world is going to hell in a handbasket.

Frodo "blah blah" Baggins

I'm reading Lord of the Rings at the moment. I'm about half way through The Two Towers and enjoying the book more than I ever have before. I think JRR Tolkien's books fall into that category where, unless you're the right age and in the right frame of mind, you just fail to get into them.

That said, Frodo and Sam are working on my nerves big time. It's traitorous but true: I hate the main characters, and arguably the main point of the books.

But seriously, they're going to destroy the source of all evil. This should be riveting stuff. Perhaps my theory will mean that when I reread Tolkien's work in ten years I'll update with Legolas "blah blah" Aragorn "blah blah".

PATTOTE: Better living through rereading the classics.

Please do not complain about the pictures...

...there's fuck all I can do about them. Once you've all seen them, they're coming down anyway.

Dial 1-800-CANINE

So I phoned my dog on Saturday afternoon. Ok, ok, strictly speaking The Mother and The Sister went to visit Siska at the scene of her incarceration and phoned me and let me chat to her over the speakerphone. So I talked to my dog on Saturday afternoon.

Me: Siskey! Siskey! Baby girl! Googoo gahgah!
Siska: [thinks] What's the buzzing?
Me: [getting frantic, the dog has forgotten me!] Siskey! Baby! Siskey! [whistles loudly]
Siska: [puzzled] Hiking lady?
Me: [relief] Yes!
Siska: [still puzzled] Where are you Hiking Lady? Lady-who-owns-the-handbag-full-of-sausage-roll-dog-treats and Lady-who-smells-of-baby-powder are both here but I don't see you.
Me: Well, I am rather far away. I'm talking to you over the cellphone. You know, the boxy thing that looks like a toy but isn't.
Siska: Ohhhhh
Me: So, how are you?
Siska: Same old, same old. When you've been on the inside as long as I have...
Me: Yes, about that...
Siska: You lied.
Me: Well, it wasn't a lie exactly...
Siska: You lied.
Me: You exaggerate.
Siska: [does remarkable subliminal imitation of Liz's gooey Siska voice] What a good girl you are! You deserve a holiday. Yes you do, yes you do. And because you're a special doggy who deserves a holiday I'm sending you away on an all expenses paid trip to the Ryslip Hotel and Country Club. Five star accomodation, meals, hiking trails, new toys, tons of food.
Me: [defensively] You get fed!
Siska: You lied. You put me in a wooden box and the next thing I know I'm being unloaded at the "hotel", except its labelled quarantine facility! And the people talk funny! [wails] They called me fat!
Me: Calm down...
Siska: You lied.
Me: Ok, ok so I lied. It was for your own good. And you can't tell me you're not having a good time.
Siska: [sniffs] I guess not.
Me: [patiently] How's Squeak?
Siska: He's all right. He likes it here and he has a new friend. Lady-who-owns-the-handbag-full-of-sausage-roll-dog-treats brought a new one. She keeps saying he's orange. Could you tell her I'm colour-blind? But he's very nifty. And I have my bone, and my balls, and my rope and my bed and everybody loves me here.
Me: Way to be modest, Siskey.
Siska: It's not my fault I'm beautiful. Lady-who-owns-the-handbag-full-of-sausage-roll-dog-treats, Lady-who-smells-of-baby-powder, Man-who-likes-to-terrorise-me and Other-man-who-looks-at-them-all-like-they're-mad tell me so all the time.
Me: [mutters] We've created a monster.
Siska: There are dogs here, you know.
Me: Really? At a kennel? How odd.
Siska: I've never been a dog person.
Me: Strange that.
Siska: They're very loud.
Me: So shout back.
Siska: Oh, I do. The book club is great. Then there's the music forum. And a Toys We have Loved retrospective. We have a debate every day...
Me: [interrupts] A debate? You're a bunch of dogs. What could you possibly have opinions on?
Siska: [huffily] Excuse me, we are a bunch of dogs from all over the world. We discuss lots of stuff. Lots of important stuff.
Me: Like?
Siska: Uh...we discussed what kind of cat George W Bush is like. Why vacuum cleaners are scary. Whether retrieving sticks makes us smart or makes us slaves. Begging: the ends justify the means. Stuff.
Me: Who's a clever girl?
Siska: [smugly] Oh, stop.
Me: I have to go. I'm sorry I lied.
Siska: That's all right. I really like it here. It's better than the big farm in the sky.
Me: Ok, go get Squeak!
Siska: [...]

PATTOTE: Better living through black labradors with toys on the brain.

Singularly Uninspired

I know, I know...my propoganda has come to a grinding halt, but even future dictators get writer's block (although we usually have our spindoctors, er, eliminated, for it). So in the interest of assuring you all that I am alive, here is a little roundup:

Where am I?
I'm sitting at my desk, waiting for the Fuhrer to finish up pg 1, so that I can collect the newspaper and send it to the printers before I get a worried phonecall from them, tsktsking about printruns and distribution.

What am I doing?
You mean, other than quickly scrolling through the windows I have open on my desktop to pretend I'm working? Nothing.

What is next on the list?
It's either going to be collect, distil and send, or make a cup of tea and hide out with the admin staff. I'm leaning towards the tea.

What have I been listening too?
A group called The Weepies. Their discordant harmoniousness rules.

What have I been watching?
A lot of crap on DStv that I would usually refrain from, but it's there.

Where do I find the time?
Well, I'm dogsitting in a big-ass house and that much space is kind of making me nervous. And a little paranoid. And a little insomniac. So, I've been watching a lot of Wildlife SOS and Pet Rescue in addition to slavering over BBC Food. And Supernanny. And It's Me or The Dog. The latter make me worry about the future of humanity and plan my island sanctuary in more detail.

And when you're not watching crap?
I'm reading Cold Mountain and admiring Jude Law in my head. Lord of the Rings is up next. Again.

Immediate plans for the future?
To go home. Enjoy my day off tomorrow. Eat my colleague's sundried tomato and pesto dip. Put petrol in my car. See the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Watch a dvd called Gaia for work and write a pithy review of it. Remember to go back to my place to pick up my shampoo and said dvd.

Next week, we're back with a vengeance with a review of Cold Mountain, a transcript of the phone conversation I intend to have with the dog on Saturday and perhaps pics of the entire "putting a newspaper together" process. Never say I'm not devoted to the education of the masses.

PATTOTE: Better living, through, um, something. Sorry, the situation of spindoctor is still vacant. And takers?

The Incomparable Jasper Fforde

Right now I'm reading The Big Over Easy by Jasper Fforde, a cautionary tale from the Nursery Crime Division of Reading Central Police. Reading, it seems, is the hub of nursery tale activity, with gingerbreadmen committing heinous crimes, and the Three Little Pigs getting off for the murder of one Mr Wolff. This is the first book in the series, and DI Jack Spratt and DS Mary Mary are investigating the mysterious death of Humpty Dumpty. Did he jump off the wall or was he pushed? I haven't figured that out yet but so far the book is very funny. There are tons of references (Humpty's landlady is Mrs Hubbard, and his next door neighbour is the narcoleptic Willie Winkie) and even more puns. I like them, they make me feel smart. The next one in this series is The Fourth Bear, and it features a blond who comes along and ruins the Bruin bear family's life. Heh!

The other series Fforde writes is much the same. The books feature a literary detective called Thursday Next. In the first book, The Eyre Affair, Next investigates the kidnapping of Jane Eyre and other literary characters. Fforde has created this awesome little world, where all that matters is books and the characters in them. Shakespeare fans have streetfights with Marlowe fans, and everybody takes bets at Shakespeare performances to see who will win the next fencing match. I'm going to start Lost in a Good Book as soon as I figure out who offed Humpty.

The writing is brilliant, and now that I've seen Reading, even funnier.

PATTOTE: Better living through anthropomorphised animals and unfzskably surreal situations.