I thought it would be sharp and sudden,
the abrupt silence of a song broken by a
scratch.
Instead it was the gentle eddyingswirl of leaves on
the still pond.
We watched it that day - remember?
I watched that day.
You looked up and I looked down amber foliage,
sinking into grey, cool, water.
And the traffic droned behind us.
Wednesday, September 04, 2013
Tuesday, July 09, 2013
Teaser Tuesday (9 July)
Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading.
'Oh. So you would get yourself killed and perhaps your teammates as well because of a few little ants?'
p.61, Starship Troopers, by Robert Heinlein
'Oh. So you would get yourself killed and perhaps your teammates as well because of a few little ants?'
p.61, Starship Troopers, by Robert Heinlein
Thursday, July 04, 2013
Revenge wears Prada
For a book about revenge and skulduggery, there is surprisingly little revenge and skulduggery. I don't think it was vastly necessary to write this book. I'm sending out a message to the ether that it really doesn't need to be made into a poor sequel with a knockoff Meryl Streep either.
Tuesday, July 02, 2013
Teaser Tuesday (2 July)
Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading.
'In order to create productive alignment in your life, you could quite reasonably start with a clarification from the top down. Decide why you're on the planet.'
p.202, Getting Things Done by David Allen
'In order to create productive alignment in your life, you could quite reasonably start with a clarification from the top down. Decide why you're on the planet.'
p.202, Getting Things Done by David Allen
Monday, July 01, 2013
Soundtrack for Monday
1) Jai Ho - From the Slumdog Millionaire Soundtrack
2) At Last - Etta James
3) Bittersweet Symphone - Vitamin String Quartet
4) Cat's in the Cradle - Harry Chapin
5) What difference does it make? - The Smiths
6) Mansard Roof - Vampire Weekend
7) The Circus is Leaving Town - Belle and Sebastian
8) City of the Dead - The Clash
9) Only Hope - Mandy Moore
10) Violet Hill - Coldplay
2) At Last - Etta James
3) Bittersweet Symphone - Vitamin String Quartet
4) Cat's in the Cradle - Harry Chapin
5) What difference does it make? - The Smiths
6) Mansard Roof - Vampire Weekend
7) The Circus is Leaving Town - Belle and Sebastian
8) City of the Dead - The Clash
9) Only Hope - Mandy Moore
10) Violet Hill - Coldplay
Thursday, May 09, 2013
The dream in the next body
From the end of the bed, I pull
the sheets back into place.
An old man paints a large sun striped
by clouds of seven blues.
Across the yellow centre each
blue is precisely itself and yet,
at the point it meets another,
the eye cannot detect a change.
The air shifts, he says,
and the colours.
When you touched me in a dream,
your skin an hour ago did not end
where it joined mine. My body continued
the movement of yours. Something flowed
between us like birds in a flock.
In a solitude larger than our two bodies
the hardening light parted us again
But under the covering the impress
of our bodies is a single, warm hollow.
Gabeba Baderoon
the sheets back into place.
An old man paints a large sun striped
by clouds of seven blues.
Across the yellow centre each
blue is precisely itself and yet,
at the point it meets another,
the eye cannot detect a change.
The air shifts, he says,
and the colours.
When you touched me in a dream,
your skin an hour ago did not end
where it joined mine. My body continued
the movement of yours. Something flowed
between us like birds in a flock.
In a solitude larger than our two bodies
the hardening light parted us again
But under the covering the impress
of our bodies is a single, warm hollow.
Gabeba Baderoon
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Debt free by 35
I've found it quite hard to face up to what I owe. Mostly, it's because I'm annoyed that I owe anything at all. But that's done. I am where I am, and am just going to have to deal. I'm really chuffed, though, that I can look at my spreadsheets and money diary (God help me, I have a money diary) and know that I will be DEBT FREE BY 35.
And it's a long way from 35 to 65, or whatever the hell the government decides pensionable age will be in the future.
I really wish there was a magical bullet, that would get me to zero in a day. And I wish I didn't feel such shame at being where I am. But there we go. My Protestant work ethic comes with a side order of Protestant shame.
And it's a long way from 35 to 65, or whatever the hell the government decides pensionable age will be in the future.
I really wish there was a magical bullet, that would get me to zero in a day. And I wish I didn't feel such shame at being where I am. But there we go. My Protestant work ethic comes with a side order of Protestant shame.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
In the wee, small hours of the morning
Sleep has been in short supply this week, for no reason I can discern. I've always been kind of a poor sleeper, but this has largely been solved over the last few years by medication and general improvement in mood.
At my worst, I was getting about an hour or two of tortured sleep a night. Lying awake, worrying about the world ending, or lack of money, or if I was a failure as a human being, or if I had sent the newspaper to press without any advertising, or - a personal favourite - replaying all the conversations I had had that day and cataloguing the ways in which I had made a fool of myself.
The world is a crummy, crummy place on lack of sleep. Being in your 20s is bad enough without adding the distorted prism of drama that we all seem to embody at that age, together with just enough shut eye to be upright, but not enough to actually have conversations.
Insomnia means not having quite as thick a skin as you would normally. It means taking things a little more personally than you ought to. It means not grasping easy concepts, and feeling like an idiot.
And the worst, absolute worst, is that insomnia is the loneliest feeling in the world. I don't get lonely, as a rule. It's one of the core tenets of Liz, which is not always a good thing, but that's a post for a different day, perhaps. But being awake when the world is asleep, and not having a reason for being awake, is just brutally alone-making.
So I suppose I should be grateful that this bout of wakefulness is a blip, and probably has more to do with too much tv than anything dire. That my mind is more clear, and less fraught and anxious. That I'm more able to take the anxious thoughts I do have and place them into context, and not be swept away by them. And that I can put out a hand in the dark and touch a sleepy cat, or lie still and be soothed by someone else's breathing, and feel a little better.
At my worst, I was getting about an hour or two of tortured sleep a night. Lying awake, worrying about the world ending, or lack of money, or if I was a failure as a human being, or if I had sent the newspaper to press without any advertising, or - a personal favourite - replaying all the conversations I had had that day and cataloguing the ways in which I had made a fool of myself.
The world is a crummy, crummy place on lack of sleep. Being in your 20s is bad enough without adding the distorted prism of drama that we all seem to embody at that age, together with just enough shut eye to be upright, but not enough to actually have conversations.
Insomnia means not having quite as thick a skin as you would normally. It means taking things a little more personally than you ought to. It means not grasping easy concepts, and feeling like an idiot.
And the worst, absolute worst, is that insomnia is the loneliest feeling in the world. I don't get lonely, as a rule. It's one of the core tenets of Liz, which is not always a good thing, but that's a post for a different day, perhaps. But being awake when the world is asleep, and not having a reason for being awake, is just brutally alone-making.
So I suppose I should be grateful that this bout of wakefulness is a blip, and probably has more to do with too much tv than anything dire. That my mind is more clear, and less fraught and anxious. That I'm more able to take the anxious thoughts I do have and place them into context, and not be swept away by them. And that I can put out a hand in the dark and touch a sleepy cat, or lie still and be soothed by someone else's breathing, and feel a little better.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Irritable sigh
One day, I will grow out of taking things so personally. I need to do this fast, or the managing people part of the job will go south, and quickly.
Thursday, April 04, 2013
A note from the archive
Monday, April 10, 2006
You know what they say about an untidy desk...
To give you some insight into my untidy mind, here are the full and engrossing contents of my desk at work (my desk at home is a whole other story, involving several dog toys, five cent pieces and some pens that met with a tragic accident):
A computer. Apple Mac. Called The Light. A misnomer as it mostly drives me crazy by requiring frequent restarting, which takes on average 10 minutes. Also has a tendency to randomly shut down Quark, mostly right before we go to print. The resultant swearing is loud and creative.
A keyboard. Attached to Apple Mac. Is covered in tea stains and ooh, is that a crumb? Huh, when last did I have Fritos?
A scanner. You'd think a national newspaper would have moved beyond a 5-year-old flatbed scanner. You'd think wrong.
Two in trays. Top one contains new community photographs, thoughtfully sent in by Catholics around the country to torture me with their graininess and penchant for snapping black people, wearing white vestments, against a black background. Also blank cds for when I get round to backing up last year's issues. Like that's going to happen. Bottom tray contains a mass of application forms, pictures for the now defunct children's page, copies of threatening letters to writer of now defunct children's page, competition entries I forgot about (oops) and a board game I was supposed to review but hope the editor has forgotten about. Also an outdate postcode book which I misplaced and replace with the outdated postcode book from admin (I should give that back to them sometime). Scraps of interviews I did last year sometime. Cartoons for still active youth page. Deadline sheet for youth page that writer had better pay attention to. Pieace of paper on which I keep track of how often the journalist uses the words "pointed out" in a story. Scrap of paper with possible music compilation scribbled on it.
Filing cabinet filled with old issues, old community pictures and new community pictures. On top of filing cabinet - two whiteboard erasers, some whiteboard markers and a zip drive that hasn't been used since the month I started working here.
Box of blank scrap paper for making a bazillion notes I then lose. Also useful for cutting out snowflakes to the amusement of deskmate.
Ruler. Was 1m, now a little over 45cm.
Paste up sheets for this week's ads.
Copy of "leadership" magazine that editor leaves on my desk as a cruel joke.
Copy of Catholic Directory. Now out of date because the pope died and priests move around with no forwarding address.
Book containing list of tortuous community pictures. Several books with kids games that are now no longer necessary. Dictionary. Book with shortcuts and style guide.
Time magazine.
Box of extra strength disprin.
Pot of fig flavoured lip balm (it's sparkly)
Piece of paper reminding myself that the last time I backed up the newspaper was Feb 23, 2005.
Cellphone.
Filofax stuffed with little pieces of paper.
Small scrap paper holder.
Broken mug containing an assortment of pens, highlighters and several pencils, one of which reads Jesus Loves Me, a gift from a coworker (oy).
Community pics for this week.
An entire story thoughtfully written in longhand and faxed.
Half empty tube of nivea soft.
Wow, I need to throw stuff out. I would but the box under my desk is full.
PATTOTE - Better living through packratting
You know what they say about an untidy desk...
To give you some insight into my untidy mind, here are the full and engrossing contents of my desk at work (my desk at home is a whole other story, involving several dog toys, five cent pieces and some pens that met with a tragic accident):
A computer. Apple Mac. Called The Light. A misnomer as it mostly drives me crazy by requiring frequent restarting, which takes on average 10 minutes. Also has a tendency to randomly shut down Quark, mostly right before we go to print. The resultant swearing is loud and creative.
A keyboard. Attached to Apple Mac. Is covered in tea stains and ooh, is that a crumb? Huh, when last did I have Fritos?
A scanner. You'd think a national newspaper would have moved beyond a 5-year-old flatbed scanner. You'd think wrong.
Two in trays. Top one contains new community photographs, thoughtfully sent in by Catholics around the country to torture me with their graininess and penchant for snapping black people, wearing white vestments, against a black background. Also blank cds for when I get round to backing up last year's issues. Like that's going to happen. Bottom tray contains a mass of application forms, pictures for the now defunct children's page, copies of threatening letters to writer of now defunct children's page, competition entries I forgot about (oops) and a board game I was supposed to review but hope the editor has forgotten about. Also an outdate postcode book which I misplaced and replace with the outdated postcode book from admin (I should give that back to them sometime). Scraps of interviews I did last year sometime. Cartoons for still active youth page. Deadline sheet for youth page that writer had better pay attention to. Pieace of paper on which I keep track of how often the journalist uses the words "pointed out" in a story. Scrap of paper with possible music compilation scribbled on it.
Filing cabinet filled with old issues, old community pictures and new community pictures. On top of filing cabinet - two whiteboard erasers, some whiteboard markers and a zip drive that hasn't been used since the month I started working here.
Box of blank scrap paper for making a bazillion notes I then lose. Also useful for cutting out snowflakes to the amusement of deskmate.
Ruler. Was 1m, now a little over 45cm.
Paste up sheets for this week's ads.
Copy of "leadership" magazine that editor leaves on my desk as a cruel joke.
Copy of Catholic Directory. Now out of date because the pope died and priests move around with no forwarding address.
Book containing list of tortuous community pictures. Several books with kids games that are now no longer necessary. Dictionary. Book with shortcuts and style guide.
Time magazine.
Box of extra strength disprin.
Pot of fig flavoured lip balm (it's sparkly)
Piece of paper reminding myself that the last time I backed up the newspaper was Feb 23, 2005.
Cellphone.
Filofax stuffed with little pieces of paper.
Small scrap paper holder.
Broken mug containing an assortment of pens, highlighters and several pencils, one of which reads Jesus Loves Me, a gift from a coworker (oy).
Community pics for this week.
An entire story thoughtfully written in longhand and faxed.
Half empty tube of nivea soft.
Wow, I need to throw stuff out. I would but the box under my desk is full.
PATTOTE - Better living through packratting
The slightly less navel gazey post I was going to write
April 2013 - a quarterly review:
1) I can be a project manager. It's hard, but I can do it.
2) And even if I decide not to, the university is a great place with lots of options.
3) This year started with Leigh being here, after three years of not being here, and that contact high will last ages.
4) I have decent friends, an abundance.
5) There [is] a boy; a very strange enchant[ing] boy.
6) I have my little bit of earth, and I'm thrilled to be making it into something.
7) I will be debt free by the time I turn 35.
8) There are an astonishing number of books in the world, just waiting to be read.
9) Ditto movies.
10) I have cats. Ginger ones. Two.
1) I can be a project manager. It's hard, but I can do it.
2) And even if I decide not to, the university is a great place with lots of options.
3) This year started with Leigh being here, after three years of not being here, and that contact high will last ages.
4) I have decent friends, an abundance.
5) There [is] a boy; a very strange enchant[ing] boy.
6) I have my little bit of earth, and I'm thrilled to be making it into something.
7) I will be debt free by the time I turn 35.
8) There are an astonishing number of books in the world, just waiting to be read.
9) Ditto movies.
10) I have cats. Ginger ones. Two.
Tuesday, April 02, 2013
I was going to write about one thing but now I'm writing about something else
I was going to write a fairly chipper quarter year review, because 2013 hasn't treated me too shabbily so far. But then as I dragged scrap wood around my allotment, I got to thinking about carelessness, and how I get careless with people. Particularly the people I care about most.
A lot of the time it's what I say; I get flippant when I feel overwhelmed, and it probably seems like I'm minimising the other person's worry, or concern, or confidence, or even affection.
And sometimes it's because I'm so wrapped up in my own selfish world, so busy thinking about how stuff affects me, that I don't listen, or see, until it's too late, or I've caused hurt, or made someone feel like I'm judging them.
And I know we all hurt people, it's inevitable. But I worry that it all stacks up. That all this carelessness could get too run-of-the-mill.
Must be better. Better daughter, better sister, better friend.
I don't know. I should have had my iPod with me while lugging wood around. Kept the thinking to a minimum.
A lot of the time it's what I say; I get flippant when I feel overwhelmed, and it probably seems like I'm minimising the other person's worry, or concern, or confidence, or even affection.
And sometimes it's because I'm so wrapped up in my own selfish world, so busy thinking about how stuff affects me, that I don't listen, or see, until it's too late, or I've caused hurt, or made someone feel like I'm judging them.
And I know we all hurt people, it's inevitable. But I worry that it all stacks up. That all this carelessness could get too run-of-the-mill.
Must be better. Better daughter, better sister, better friend.
I don't know. I should have had my iPod with me while lugging wood around. Kept the thinking to a minimum.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Between books
I'm in that horrible between book stage where nothing I start is quite hitting the spot, so I temporarily shelve them rather than not give them the time they deserve. I realise I haven't reviewed anything in MONTHS, and let's face it. If I don't review books and movies, there's fuck all left to write about, so I might start that up again.
And I'm about 14 books behind if I want to hit the magical 100 books per year target.
Sod it, maybe I'll just reread all the Nora Roberts in my collection: at least that doesn't require concentration.
And I'm about 14 books behind if I want to hit the magical 100 books per year target.
Sod it, maybe I'll just reread all the Nora Roberts in my collection: at least that doesn't require concentration.
Thursday, March 07, 2013
Crossword glee
Today's crossword had one of my favourite words as an answer: gazump.
Makes up for the fact that I can't for the life of me figure out 'From Douglas'.
Makes up for the fact that I can't for the life of me figure out 'From Douglas'.
Monday, March 04, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
More things about project management
I've been so scared and so hesitant in the last month or so. So nervous of actually committing to this whole project management deal, because if I start actually committing to it, then I'd actually have to start caring, and start doing, and start BEING a project manager. So I've been a little gun shy.
This week has been a good week. The pieces are starting to come together, and I'm starting to see the bigger picture. And I'm committing a bit more - I'm putting my name to things, and making decisions, and am willing to see them through. And I have staff, and I want them to do well. And I care about this department, and I want it to do well, and not run out of money.
And slowly but surely other bridges around me are burning, because it turns out there are reshuffles and rearrangements in the works that means that even if I do occasionally think wistfully about the job I left behind, that job mostly doesn't exist anymore. So I can ruefully look forward and give myself permission to immerse myself in this new deal.
But I reserve the right to whinge about my job, and worry come July about what will happen with my future.
This week has been a good week. The pieces are starting to come together, and I'm starting to see the bigger picture. And I'm committing a bit more - I'm putting my name to things, and making decisions, and am willing to see them through. And I have staff, and I want them to do well. And I care about this department, and I want it to do well, and not run out of money.
And slowly but surely other bridges around me are burning, because it turns out there are reshuffles and rearrangements in the works that means that even if I do occasionally think wistfully about the job I left behind, that job mostly doesn't exist anymore. So I can ruefully look forward and give myself permission to immerse myself in this new deal.
But I reserve the right to whinge about my job, and worry come July about what will happen with my future.
How we get wrinkles
I want to ask about your day
before your day begins
not “How was it?”
... but rather
“How will it be?
What will you do?
What will you want or need?
How can I help?”
I want your day to unfold
like origami in reverse
un-creasing itself
loosing its shape
and flattening back
into beautiful possibilities
one day
you will be what you become
in the meantime
your life will bend and fold
as you see fit
each choice is a part of the becoming
we
all of us
bend
fold
and crease
we create ourselves over and over
until we become
what we are
and that ends up becoming
who we are
I want to ask about your day
because
I want to know who you will be
I want to ask before your day begins
so that you will know
I already revere who you are.
before your day begins
not “How was it?”
... but rather
“How will it be?
What will you do?
What will you want or need?
How can I help?”
I want your day to unfold
like origami in reverse
un-creasing itself
loosing its shape
and flattening back
into beautiful possibilities
one day
you will be what you become
in the meantime
your life will bend and fold
as you see fit
each choice is a part of the becoming
we
all of us
bend
fold
and crease
we create ourselves over and over
until we become
what we are
and that ends up becoming
who we are
I want to ask about your day
because
I want to know who you will be
I want to ask before your day begins
so that you will know
I already revere who you are.
by Shane Koyczan
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Another iPod 10-track experiment
After I spent far too much time on a recent roadtrip just skipping song after song on my iPod, I realised that it's time for a clearout and reshuffle of the playlist. But before I get that far, I'm doing another 10-track experiment.
1) My Apology - Great Big Sea (Favourite line: 'Probably best to forget and begin again, can't you see, that I'm sorry'.)
2) A and B Song - Tom McCrae (Favourite line: 'Here we are together, let's roll the dice just one more time, odd number says we walk away now, even says we die'.)
3) Legal Man - Belle and Sebastian (Favourite line: 'Not withstanding provisions of clauses 1, 2, 3 and 4, Extend contractual period, me and you for evermore'.)
4) Stars - Simply Red (Favourite line: 'A lover's promise never came with a maybe'.)
5) New Slang - The Shins (Favourite line: 'Never should have called, But my head's to the wall and I'm lonely'.)
6) What Difference Does it Make? - The Smiths (Favourite line: 'Heavy words are so lightly thrown,
But still I'd leap in front of a flying bullet for you'.)
7) Desperado - Johnny Cash (Favourite line: 'It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you'.)
8) My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson (Favourite line: 'My life would suck without you'.)
9) God Bless the Broken Road - Rascal Flatts (Favourite line: 'I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you, But you just smile and take my hand, You've been there you understand'.)
10) St Robinson in His Cadillac Dream - Counting Crows (Favourite line: 'And I keep thinking tomorrow is coming today, So I am endlessly waiting'.)
I should challenge myself to narrow down my favourite lines more often. It's a pretty sound way to realise that most of these songs are absolute shite.
1) My Apology - Great Big Sea (Favourite line: 'Probably best to forget and begin again, can't you see, that I'm sorry'.)
2) A and B Song - Tom McCrae (Favourite line: 'Here we are together, let's roll the dice just one more time, odd number says we walk away now, even says we die'.)
3) Legal Man - Belle and Sebastian (Favourite line: 'Not withstanding provisions of clauses 1, 2, 3 and 4, Extend contractual period, me and you for evermore'.)
4) Stars - Simply Red (Favourite line: 'A lover's promise never came with a maybe'.)
5) New Slang - The Shins (Favourite line: 'Never should have called, But my head's to the wall and I'm lonely'.)
6) What Difference Does it Make? - The Smiths (Favourite line: 'Heavy words are so lightly thrown,
But still I'd leap in front of a flying bullet for you'.)
7) Desperado - Johnny Cash (Favourite line: 'It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you'.)
8) My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson (Favourite line: 'My life would suck without you'.)
9) God Bless the Broken Road - Rascal Flatts (Favourite line: 'I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you, But you just smile and take my hand, You've been there you understand'.)
10) St Robinson in His Cadillac Dream - Counting Crows (Favourite line: 'And I keep thinking tomorrow is coming today, So I am endlessly waiting'.)
I should challenge myself to narrow down my favourite lines more often. It's a pretty sound way to realise that most of these songs are absolute shite.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Having a Coke with You
Having a Coke with You
is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles
and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them
I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully
as the horse
it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it”
by Frank O'Hara
is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles
and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them
I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully
as the horse
it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it”
by Frank O'Hara
Thursday, February 14, 2013
somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose
or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing
(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands
by E. E. Cummings
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose
or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing
(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands
by E. E. Cummings
Things about project management
- Spreadsheets are fun.
- Running off reports is fun.
- Meetings are not fun.
- The state of my inbox has become a constant preoccupation.
- I have ceased wearing jeans, ever, because I seem to get yanked into important meetings when I'm at my scruffiest.
- Managing people is fun, as long as it's the right people.
- Nothing is more fun than being in the know.
- I have to make these lists more often, because I'm apt to focus on the negatives too much, and the negatives are only temporary.
- I'll feel better once a clearer pattern emerges from my work, and I can see the bigger picture.
- Running off reports is fun.
- Meetings are not fun.
- The state of my inbox has become a constant preoccupation.
- I have ceased wearing jeans, ever, because I seem to get yanked into important meetings when I'm at my scruffiest.
- Managing people is fun, as long as it's the right people.
- Nothing is more fun than being in the know.
- I have to make these lists more often, because I'm apt to focus on the negatives too much, and the negatives are only temporary.
- I'll feel better once a clearer pattern emerges from my work, and I can see the bigger picture.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Crossword clue
One of today's crossword clues is pleasing to the eye and mind. I love a well crafted clue:
3 across Burn without a flame - burn for a flame (8)
3 across Burn without a flame - burn for a flame (8)
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
The Cinnamon Peeler
If I were a cinnamon peeler
I would ride your bed
and leave the yellow bark dust
on your pillow.
Your breasts and shoulders would reek
you would never walk though markets
without the profession of my fingers
floating over you. The blind would
stumble certain of whom they approached
though you might bathe
under rain gutters, monsoon.
Here on the upper thigh
at this smooth pasture
neighbour to your hair
or the crease
that cuts your back. This ankle.
You will be known among strangers
as the cinnamon peeler's wife.
I could hardly glance at you
before marriage
never touch you
--your keen nosed mother, your rough brothers.
I buried my hands in saffron, disguised them
over smoking tar,
helped the honey gatherers...
When we swam once
I touched you in water
and our bodies remained free,
you could hold me and be blind of smell.
You climbed the bank and said
This is how you touch other women
the grass cutter's wife, the lime burner's daughter
and you searched your arms
for the missing perfume
and knew
what good is it
to be the lime burner's daughter
left with no trace
as if not spoken to in the act of love
as if wounded without the pleasure of a scar
You touched
your belly to my hands
in the dry air and said
I am the cinnamon
peeler's wife. Smell me.
- Michael Ondaatje
I would ride your bed
and leave the yellow bark dust
on your pillow.
Your breasts and shoulders would reek
you would never walk though markets
without the profession of my fingers
floating over you. The blind would
stumble certain of whom they approached
though you might bathe
under rain gutters, monsoon.
Here on the upper thigh
at this smooth pasture
neighbour to your hair
or the crease
that cuts your back. This ankle.
You will be known among strangers
as the cinnamon peeler's wife.
I could hardly glance at you
before marriage
never touch you
--your keen nosed mother, your rough brothers.
I buried my hands in saffron, disguised them
over smoking tar,
helped the honey gatherers...
When we swam once
I touched you in water
and our bodies remained free,
you could hold me and be blind of smell.
You climbed the bank and said
This is how you touch other women
the grass cutter's wife, the lime burner's daughter
and you searched your arms
for the missing perfume
and knew
what good is it
to be the lime burner's daughter
left with no trace
as if not spoken to in the act of love
as if wounded without the pleasure of a scar
You touched
your belly to my hands
in the dry air and said
I am the cinnamon
peeler's wife. Smell me.
- Michael Ondaatje
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Quiddling with Words
I like words
like Perforate
that snap neatly
into brittle pieces
like a cracker,
like Ricochet
that spring madly
like a grasshopper
in a glass pickle jar,
like Quiddle
which I just discovered
in the dictionary
sandwiched between
Perforate and Ricochet.
By Kristine O’Connell George
like Perforate
that snap neatly
into brittle pieces
like a cracker,
like Ricochet
that spring madly
like a grasshopper
in a glass pickle jar,
like Quiddle
which I just discovered
in the dictionary
sandwiched between
Perforate and Ricochet.
By Kristine O’Connell George
Thursday movie reviews
I've added a few new reviews to the blog I contribute to, Just Finished Watching.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Fond memories? Well, the bran muffins were quite nice
Two years I spent in Michael the Therapist’s office.
The first three months of that was spent with him patiently trying to get me back on topic.
I deflect awkwardness and emotional intensity with humour and general, useless trivia, who knew?
The next six months was spent coaching me in the right to my own feelings.
Michael: Are you feeling angry?
Me: Nah, I don’t really get angry. Or annoyed. Or have any negative feelings whatsoever about anyone other than myself, and I deserve it.
Michael: You’re allowed to be angry.
Me: Oh no, that doesn’t sound right, angry is bad and destructive.
Michael: How about if I keep attacking you and making you angry?
Me: Did you know that the scientific word for a llama is llama llama?
Michael: *Slams head into desk repeatedly.*
Finally, a breakthrough. Except you’re supposed to act on anger and negative emotion with confrontation? Don’t think so!
Me: So, ok, I’m angry. Cautiously angry. Not at myself, but someone else. But no doubt that’s my fault.
Michael: Why would you say that?
Me: Oh…don’t do that.
Michael: Do what?
Me: Make me come up with my own answer.
Michael: You’re angry with someone else. Why is that your fault?
Me: Because…because…
Michael: You could explain why you’re angry.
Me: And actually express emotion to the person who has caused that emotion? That’s just crazy talk!
Michael: What are you so afraid of? What’s the worst that could happen?
Me: They could tell me it’s all my fault and I’m a terrible person.
Michael: Are you?
Me: That’s all the time we have today.
But cognitive behavioural therapy gives you tips on how to confront! No matter how badly you want to run away. And it did work, to a point. All those hours spent practising how to respond and why and when, they all helped.
But now I wish we spent more time on shutting up irrational voices. Confrontation actually hasn’t come up so much in last 12 years, but The Irrational Voice, and her irritating companions, What Did You Expect, Paranoia, and You’re Not Good Enough has come up plenty.
And really, what is there to do? Nothing. I don’t believe the irrational side of me (except at 3am). I realise that actually, all people have the irrational side. I don’t let it prey on me as much as I might have done at one point. It’s just that having it there at all fills me with fear. Because sometimes, I do believe her, and I react stupidly, or brood, or am needlessly anxious. And every minute I give in to the voice, is a minute of reality wasted. It’s time I need to talk myself out of whatever harebrained reactionary thing I want to do or say or scribble or post.
It’s reassuring that the voice isn’t there as much as it once was. It means that I believe that my life is ok. That I’m happy and contented and making my way through that life well. But I want it gone, full stop. And that’s probably never going to happen.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Letting Go
I love the abandon
of abandoned things
the harmonium surrendering
in a churchyard in Aherlow,
the hearse resigned to nettles
behind a pub in Carna,
the tin dancehall possessed
by convolvulus in Kerry,
the living room that hosts
a tree in south Kilkenny.
I sense a rapture
in deserted things
washed-out circus posters
derelict on gables,
lush forgotten sidings
of country railway stations,
bat droppings profligate
on pew and font and lectern,
the wedding dress a dog
has nosed from a dustbin.
I love the openness
of things no longer viable,
I sense their shameless
slow unbuttoning:
the implicit nakedness
there for the taking,
the surrender to the dance
of breaking and creating.
By Michael Coady
of abandoned things
the harmonium surrendering
in a churchyard in Aherlow,
the hearse resigned to nettles
behind a pub in Carna,
the tin dancehall possessed
by convolvulus in Kerry,
the living room that hosts
a tree in south Kilkenny.
I sense a rapture
in deserted things
washed-out circus posters
derelict on gables,
lush forgotten sidings
of country railway stations,
bat droppings profligate
on pew and font and lectern,
the wedding dress a dog
has nosed from a dustbin.
I love the openness
of things no longer viable,
I sense their shameless
slow unbuttoning:
the implicit nakedness
there for the taking,
the surrender to the dance
of breaking and creating.
By Michael Coady
Monday, January 21, 2013
Shocker
Today was a quiet day. The most exciting thing that happened was that while stroking Pippin as she sat on the green blanket made of some unidentifiably plush material, we both got shocked by static electricity.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
The betrayal of Samwise the Fluff
This morning saw me call the vet to arrange to have Sam neutered. I made the call as he lounged on my lap, stretched out like a little fluffy sultan, purring up a storm. He's going to hate me in the morning.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Love Poem for Wednesday
You’re the day after Tuesday, before eternity.
You’re the day we ran out of tomatoes
and used tiny packets of ketchup instead.
You are salt, no salt, too much salt, a hangover.
You hold the breath of an abandoned cave.
Sometimes you surprise me with your
aurora borealis and I’ll pull over to watch you;
I’ll wait in the dark shivering fields of you.
But mostly, not. My students don’t care for you
or your lessons from the life of a minor god.
Can you hit the high C in our anthem?
Can you bench press a national disaster?
I fear for you, Wednesday. Your papers
are never in order. Your boots track in mud.
You’re the day I realized I didn’t even like him,
and the day I still said yes, yes, yes.
Sometimes I think you and I should elope,
and leave this house of cards to shuffle itself.
You are love, no love, too much love, a cuckold.
You are the loneliest of the three bears, hoping
to come home and find someone in your bed.
by Sandra Beasley
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Teaser Tuesday - 15 January
"The girl looked at him as if to say don't fight it, mac. 'Only Fanta,' she flatly pronounced.
Bloody typical, Morgan thought as he took a reluctant sip at the cloying warm liquid, bloody typical. His headache was getting worse."
~ A Good Man in Africa, by William Boyd, pg 98
Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading.
Bloody typical, Morgan thought as he took a reluctant sip at the cloying warm liquid, bloody typical. His headache was getting worse."
~ A Good Man in Africa, by William Boyd, pg 98
Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Variation on the word sleep
My friend Tash posted this on Facebook. I have had a love hate relationship with Margaret Atwood since university (in fact, that is probably what I said the last time I posted one of her poems). But I have admiration for the way she boils concepts down to essentials, and somehow always finds good by exploring what others might call ill.
I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head
and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear
I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and as you enter
it as easily as breathing in
I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary. - Margaret Atwood, Variation on the word sleep
I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head
and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear
I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and as you enter
it as easily as breathing in
I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary. - Margaret Atwood, Variation on the word sleep
Friday, December 28, 2012
The oddest week of all
The last week of the year, that week between Christmas and New Year, is the oddest week of all. It's a week made of the joys and disappointments of the year just gone, and the impending, onerous potential of the year to come. I hate New Year, I make no secret of this fact. And mostly that's made up of a fear of the pressure that the new year brings, especially as it's artificial. Just another midnight, rolling into another early morning. Also, there is a fear I can track from my deeply paranoid childhood, that this New Year's Day, the world truly will end.
But actually, this year has been pretty decent to me. If it ends, I'll be going out on a high. That makes me happy.
But actually, this year has been pretty decent to me. If it ends, I'll be going out on a high. That makes me happy.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Spoilers
I go backwards and forwards about taking a blogging hiatus, but then I get sad about thinking about not contributing to this blog anymore, and then I write random crap to fill in a space.
Anyway.
Tonight I've been thinking about spoilers. I'm kind of control freak, and I accept this about myself. I'm getting better about dealing with uncertainties; in fact I even embrace them every so often. But it's hard. Not knowing how it all turns out is as terrifying as it is thrilling.
It takes every ounce of my self control sometimes not to peer at the end of a book, just to confirm the right person stays alive, or ends up with the right person, or just to confirm that the author is going to write crap all the way to the last sentence.
No peeking. Although in chivalrous literature, apparently the hero always peeks. Double standard.
Anyway.
Tonight I've been thinking about spoilers. I'm kind of control freak, and I accept this about myself. I'm getting better about dealing with uncertainties; in fact I even embrace them every so often. But it's hard. Not knowing how it all turns out is as terrifying as it is thrilling.
It takes every ounce of my self control sometimes not to peer at the end of a book, just to confirm the right person stays alive, or ends up with the right person, or just to confirm that the author is going to write crap all the way to the last sentence.
No peeking. Although in chivalrous literature, apparently the hero always peeks. Double standard.
Friday, December 14, 2012
What the hell have you been doing?!
Well, since you ask, and ask so nicely, I've been cleaning a lot of cat litter boxes. All December. It's my new thing.
Saturday, November 03, 2012
Voiced
It fills my breath exhaled,
smoked down my shoulders, across my chest;
the words uttered now.
Formed past the tangle in throat, in mouth, in mind, in the dark knotted being that demands always silence inward.
Strained words, softly spoken, but now outward,
aloud and alive;
Dwelling themselves with others, who will absorb, ignore, scoff.
And perpetuate its life.
smoked down my shoulders, across my chest;
the words uttered now.
Formed past the tangle in throat, in mouth, in mind, in the dark knotted being that demands always silence inward.
Strained words, softly spoken, but now outward,
aloud and alive;
Dwelling themselves with others, who will absorb, ignore, scoff.
And perpetuate its life.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Violet Elizabeth
I've had a serious of brilliant meetings today, all to do with the project I'm about to leave. So much amazing work coming our way, and I'm going to miss it all. So like Violet Elizabeth I want to 'thcream and thcream until I'm thick'.
I know, I know, it'll be fine and worth it and I'll be grateful. But I think I'll sulk a bit into my tea tonight.
I know, I know, it'll be fine and worth it and I'll be grateful. But I think I'll sulk a bit into my tea tonight.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Paper
I've been keeping a diary pretty consistently since 2004. One of the sub-editors at my first job encouraged me to do it because, he said, I would regret it if I wasn't able to look back.
There's nothing particularly worth reading in these diaries, to be honest. It's mostly promises of new leaves and angst about being a failure. I never, ever, reread what I've written. I can't bring myself to turn the pages back to see what I was committing to paper two years ago. I don't want to destroy them though.
And more and more I can't bring myself to commit things to paper. I have my latest diary open to a page, and I scribble a date, and sit with a thousand thoughts waiting to be written. But I can't get them down.
I think that writing things down will make them real, and there are things I long for, or am denying, or am afraid of, that I don't want to be real quite yet, so I don't have to face up to them.
There's nothing particularly worth reading in these diaries, to be honest. It's mostly promises of new leaves and angst about being a failure. I never, ever, reread what I've written. I can't bring myself to turn the pages back to see what I was committing to paper two years ago. I don't want to destroy them though.
And more and more I can't bring myself to commit things to paper. I have my latest diary open to a page, and I scribble a date, and sit with a thousand thoughts waiting to be written. But I can't get them down.
I think that writing things down will make them real, and there are things I long for, or am denying, or am afraid of, that I don't want to be real quite yet, so I don't have to face up to them.
Friday, October 12, 2012
The thing that scares me most about my promotion
That they'll demand my iPad back.
*clings rebelliously to iPad*
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
*clings rebelliously to iPad*
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Promotion
So the thing that I've been working towards has come to pass - I've been promoted to project manager for a 6 month contract.
It's very exciting, but also scary and sad, because I need to leave my team and go down to one of the faculty teams, who do more conventional media production, and I'm worried that I don't know enough, won't know enough, and that I'll basically found out to be a fraud.
Like so many things, the thing that you want turns out to be bittersweet. But I'm looking forward to trying it out - I might really love it, and the bump in salary won't hurt.
It's very exciting, but also scary and sad, because I need to leave my team and go down to one of the faculty teams, who do more conventional media production, and I'm worried that I don't know enough, won't know enough, and that I'll basically found out to be a fraud.
Like so many things, the thing that you want turns out to be bittersweet. But I'm looking forward to trying it out - I might really love it, and the bump in salary won't hurt.
Sunday, October 07, 2012
So I got kittens
They've taken over my house and my life, but I'm told that's normal.
I've called them Samwise and Pippin, as hobbits seemed appropriate with the new movie coming out in December.
Love them already, the little fuzz balls.
Tuesday, October 02, 2012
Kicking ass, [changing] names
I've changed the name of this blog, having been The Inner Workings for quite a while. I'm going to live with it for a little while, see if I change my mind.
There's a lot of pressure associated with naming. But unlike cats and cars, my blog isn't going to reveal it's secret name to me.
There's a lot of pressure associated with naming. But unlike cats and cars, my blog isn't going to reveal it's secret name to me.
Monday, October 01, 2012
Submerged
Water pools
beneath my ears, my heels, my elbows.
Spreads my hair like a fan,
rises to lap across my unfloating body,
unerringly flows into the spaces that join me with the
steeping ripples that flow on
and over.
beneath my ears, my heels, my elbows.
Spreads my hair like a fan,
rises to lap across my unfloating body,
unerringly flows into the spaces that join me with the
steeping ripples that flow on
and over.
Big things afoot
I have some big plans afoot, but I don't want to talk about them for fear of jinxing myself. But I'll know more soon.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Feeling flat
It's been a wringer of a week; stressful, sad, challenging, tiring, busy. I have a lot that I want to accomplish today, but I feel so hung over from the emotion of the week, I can't get started. I'm waiting to see if I get a second wind.
Sunday, August 05, 2012
Literary attempts
I haven't got many literary attempts on this blog - two short stories (like, rilly, rilly short) and a handful of dodgy poems. But in the interest of organisation and also the hopes that I'll be motivated to put pen to paper more often, I've created a new page that collates all my literary type writing, so as to separate it from the bumpf of crap I write the rest of the time.
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Teaser Tuesday - July 24
I have a crazy number of books on the go right now, in various stages of interest and completion: Brighton Rock, by Graham Greene; A Visit From The Goon Squad, by Jennifer Egan; The Children Of Men, by P.D. James; D-Day June 6, 1944, by Stephen E. Ambrose; Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley; How We Die: Reflections on Life's Final Chapters, by Sherwin B. Nuland; Shogun, by James Clavell; Committed: A Love Story, by Elizabeth Gilbert; and Night Shadow, by Nora Roberts.
I keep allowing myself to get distracted from these, because a new release or an old favourite gets in the way. But I'm determined to finish these before I buy Moon over Soho, which is the second part of Ben Aaronovitch's series about wizard coppers in London, and which I'm loving. Plus, have to finish off some Blake for my next MA block.
Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly meme, hosted by Should Be Reading. Here are two sentences from Committed: A Love Story, by Elizabeth Gilbert, she of Eat, Pray, Love fame. It's...ok.
I keep allowing myself to get distracted from these, because a new release or an old favourite gets in the way. But I'm determined to finish these before I buy Moon over Soho, which is the second part of Ben Aaronovitch's series about wizard coppers in London, and which I'm loving. Plus, have to finish off some Blake for my next MA block.
Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly meme, hosted by Should Be Reading. Here are two sentences from Committed: A Love Story, by Elizabeth Gilbert, she of Eat, Pray, Love fame. It's...ok.
"When I posed the question again, another single friend replied, 'Wanting to get married, for me, is about a desire to feel chosen.' She went on to write that while the concept of building a life together with another adult was appealing, what really pulled at her heart was the desire for a wedding, a public event 'that will unequivocally prove to everyone, especially to myself, that I m precious enough to have been selected by somebody forever.'"
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Saturday snapshot - July 21
A meme hosted by At Home With Books. I've picked up this photo because, well, it was one of the last I was able to take before all my cameras died. I really should get around to replacing them at some point.
It's July - nearly six months since I took this picture along a nearby canal. It was covered in snow. Six months to go and winter will be upon us again. But until then, it's semi-summer in Merrie Olde.
Cricket
Oh how I love it.
I've travelled to Cork on business this week, and received amazing compliments from my boss, and been a good grown up, but really, being able to watch South Africa play England, this is the highlight of my week.
I've travelled to Cork on business this week, and received amazing compliments from my boss, and been a good grown up, but really, being able to watch South Africa play England, this is the highlight of my week.
Monday, July 02, 2012
Back stories
On Friday night I went to a vinyl party hosted by a friend from work. There were a whole bunch of people I know from work there, scattered in age from about 31ish (me) to my friend Beccy, who just turned 40.
Age is a really nebulous thing at this point, I'm finding. Where ten years makes a difference between 20 and 30, between 30 and 40, ten years feels like nothing. Sometimes the cultural differences between me and people here make for a bigger gulfs than age ever could. And of course, being work colleagues, all on basically the same level and doing the same job, it's the great leveller.
Anyway, one of the woman there is doing a lot of Internet dating, and she showed us a picture of her latest, who she likes a lot and sounds really nice, and he looks so...much older. Like properly a whole generation older. But she's 36, so ten years from that is 46, heading for 50.
And then as people were chitchatting I realised one guy there had been married for nearly 20 years and has an 18 year old daughter (he got married at 20). And I thought, it's getting to that point now where everybody I meet, or am developing relationships with now, have back stories. And not just went to uni, got a job, emigrated to the UK back stories (like mine), but proper married/divorced/separated/has children from previous relationships back stories.
These are not bad things by any means, these details make people interesting, and layered, and human, and it doesn't really MATTER, when all is said and done. But I guess getting into the deep stuff with new people on this side of 30 is very different from marching alongside the people you met at university or grew through your 20s with.
I don't really have much back story (I could make one up, I guess, it would be much more interesting). And while that doesn't bother me at all, and I think I'm holding my own in this adult world, I worry that I'm being dismissed as naive or innocent by others along the way, or not being taken seriously. And you all know how dearly I like to be taken seriously.
I don't know. This is what happens when you don't follow traditional milestones - you end up being compared against them anyway, because that is the handy yardstick by which we are all measured.
Age is a really nebulous thing at this point, I'm finding. Where ten years makes a difference between 20 and 30, between 30 and 40, ten years feels like nothing. Sometimes the cultural differences between me and people here make for a bigger gulfs than age ever could. And of course, being work colleagues, all on basically the same level and doing the same job, it's the great leveller.
Anyway, one of the woman there is doing a lot of Internet dating, and she showed us a picture of her latest, who she likes a lot and sounds really nice, and he looks so...much older. Like properly a whole generation older. But she's 36, so ten years from that is 46, heading for 50.
And then as people were chitchatting I realised one guy there had been married for nearly 20 years and has an 18 year old daughter (he got married at 20). And I thought, it's getting to that point now where everybody I meet, or am developing relationships with now, have back stories. And not just went to uni, got a job, emigrated to the UK back stories (like mine), but proper married/divorced/separated/has children from previous relationships back stories.
These are not bad things by any means, these details make people interesting, and layered, and human, and it doesn't really MATTER, when all is said and done. But I guess getting into the deep stuff with new people on this side of 30 is very different from marching alongside the people you met at university or grew through your 20s with.
I don't really have much back story (I could make one up, I guess, it would be much more interesting). And while that doesn't bother me at all, and I think I'm holding my own in this adult world, I worry that I'm being dismissed as naive or innocent by others along the way, or not being taken seriously. And you all know how dearly I like to be taken seriously.
I don't know. This is what happens when you don't follow traditional milestones - you end up being compared against them anyway, because that is the handy yardstick by which we are all measured.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Blissful buouancy
It was all awful and sticky tonight and I really couldn't face running (fine, slowly stumbling) for half an hour. So I finally went to Bletchley Leisure Centre for a swim, which I've been meaning to do for ages but have kept putting off. But the stars aligned tonight and I went along to their 9:30pm free swim and spent a blissful half hour awkwardly breastroking and crawling along. I only did 8 laps proper and then floated about, but damn it was nice. One of those things that you love doing, but forget you love when you don't make a point of going. And I got in for free: score!
Definitely have to do that again.
Definitely have to do that again.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Sometimes my subconscious is boringly obvious
So last night I dreamt that I was trying to catch a flight out of a city that looked a lot like Luton, and that I just couldn't get to the airport. I kept walking up and down these streets and going into underground passages to try and get to the airport but I couldn't reach it. And then there was some kind of mass explosion that trapped me and a bunch of kids and mostly everyone died and I still couldn't get to the airport.
Could it possibly be that my subconscious wants a holiday but it is being prevented from taking any time off by how much SHIT there is to DO?
Too bad, so sad, subconscious. You're just going to have to get through it all first.
Could it possibly be that my subconscious wants a holiday but it is being prevented from taking any time off by how much SHIT there is to DO?
Too bad, so sad, subconscious. You're just going to have to get through it all first.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Some days
Some days it's a good thing there is no-one else here, because it's a day where I think I would just explode thoughts and feelings and contact ALL OVER them. Not sad or bad thoughts and feelings, and not even lusty feelings (hi mum!) - just random rubbish. If someone was sitting on the couch with me right now, I would be narrating my thoughts at a 1000 miles per hour while gripping his hands with an iron death grip.
It's just that kind of day.
It's just that kind of day.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Ok, so with two c25k runs under my belt I can now definitively say...
...as work avoidance strategy, running is not half bad.
...my ankles burn.
...I am narrowly avoiding black eyes caused by the wild swinging of my capacious décolletage.
To do before my next run on Thursday:
- Finish essay.
- Stretch ankles.
- Strap boosies down.
...my ankles burn.
...I am narrowly avoiding black eyes caused by the wild swinging of my capacious décolletage.
To do before my next run on Thursday:
- Finish essay.
- Stretch ankles.
- Strap boosies down.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Dreams
I spent last night wrapped in a dream that took me from the beginning all the way to the end of something. I feel like I lived a whole life in 10 hours. My subconscious is wrung out now.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Totting up the damage
I know, I'm a bit obsessed, but I'm trying to face facts here, and be brutal.
I've been storing all my sundry receipts this month, for cash and card transactions. I'm going to start doing this every month, and see what the damage is. These receipts include grocery shopping, petrol, meals out, trips to London, as well as just stuff, that I bought, because it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Groceries: £150.98
Petrol: £50.81
Other: £245.83
That is just excruciating to read. Excruciating. I'd say a good £100 of that was just shit, bought along the way, which i don't even have a tangible memory of. Just a wrapper, chucked in a bin. Think what I could do with £245. That's a small fortune, that could pay half my rent. Disgusting.
Right. Renewed effort. I can have a nice time without tossing precious pennies away. I don't have to be housebound, but I need to stop wasting my hard earned cash.
I've been storing all my sundry receipts this month, for cash and card transactions. I'm going to start doing this every month, and see what the damage is. These receipts include grocery shopping, petrol, meals out, trips to London, as well as just stuff, that I bought, because it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Groceries: £150.98
Petrol: £50.81
Other: £245.83
That is just excruciating to read. Excruciating. I'd say a good £100 of that was just shit, bought along the way, which i don't even have a tangible memory of. Just a wrapper, chucked in a bin. Think what I could do with £245. That's a small fortune, that could pay half my rent. Disgusting.
Right. Renewed effort. I can have a nice time without tossing precious pennies away. I don't have to be housebound, but I need to stop wasting my hard earned cash.
Something to remember
Had a really interesting conversation with a friend yesterday, that made me reflective.
Here's the thing I need to remind myself of, when I start to get all pissy with myself for not being further along the grand life plan: I've only been at this for five years, really. When I came over here from SA, I started all over from scratch, with nothing. I didn't even have any savings.
So the work I'm doing now to make my bank balance healthier, and my slush funds slushier, and my emergency funds more robust, this is me still really working against all the costs it takes to set up your life again, from scratch.
And I'm doing it one salary. I REALLY need to stop giving myself such a hard time.
Sometimes friends offer wisdom at unexpectedly helpful times.
Here's the thing I need to remind myself of, when I start to get all pissy with myself for not being further along the grand life plan: I've only been at this for five years, really. When I came over here from SA, I started all over from scratch, with nothing. I didn't even have any savings.
So the work I'm doing now to make my bank balance healthier, and my slush funds slushier, and my emergency funds more robust, this is me still really working against all the costs it takes to set up your life again, from scratch.
And I'm doing it one salary. I REALLY need to stop giving myself such a hard time.
Sometimes friends offer wisdom at unexpectedly helpful times.
Things done today to further the 'I am a functional adult' agenda
Finally contacted the pension scheme I had with Evil Magazine, to see if I can roll it into my university pension scheme. I can. They're sending forms. Yay.
Look at me, preparing for the future. I'd much rather have the £3000 now, thanks.
Look at me, preparing for the future. I'd much rather have the £3000 now, thanks.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Why I'm not married
I spend an inordinate amount of time explaining to people who feel like they have the right to ask, why I'm not married. Not not married yet, not married.
So I rather enjoyed this article from Jezebel (oh Jezebel, if only you were a little more consistently awesome, rather than so uneven): Ten very good reasons why you're not married.
My particular good reasons are summarised by 'You are focused on your career' and 'You have got a life and friends you are happy with'. And possibly a little of 'You have got standards', but my standard is usually 'hasn't been offered a good enough argument by [Interesting Hypothetical Guy] that changing the way I live my life is worth it'. And it would have to be a super argument. A really good one. With powerpoint slides and maybe a song.
So I rather enjoyed this article from Jezebel (oh Jezebel, if only you were a little more consistently awesome, rather than so uneven): Ten very good reasons why you're not married.
My particular good reasons are summarised by 'You are focused on your career' and 'You have got a life and friends you are happy with'. And possibly a little of 'You have got standards', but my standard is usually 'hasn't been offered a good enough argument by [Interesting Hypothetical Guy] that changing the way I live my life is worth it'. And it would have to be a super argument. A really good one. With powerpoint slides and maybe a song.
Five years in numbers
In the five years I've lived in the UK:
- I have moved six times.
- I have lived with 11 people.
- I have had four jobs.
- I have had three cars.
- I have been to three weddings.
- I have been to one funeral.
- I have travelled to five countries.
- I have added one nephew to the collection.
- The longest I've lived in one place has been 3 years.
- The longest I've been in one job has been 2 years.
This was what I wrote the day I arrived: June 10, 2007.
- I have moved six times.
- I have lived with 11 people.
- I have had four jobs.
- I have had three cars.
- I have been to three weddings.
- I have been to one funeral.
- I have travelled to five countries.
- I have added one nephew to the collection.
- The longest I've lived in one place has been 3 years.
- The longest I've been in one job has been 2 years.
This was what I wrote the day I arrived: June 10, 2007.
Saturday, June 09, 2012
A new low
Hear washing machine finish long wash cycle, go and retrieve enormous load of clothes, notice plastic doofy filled with Persil and fabric softener is still on counter. Swear, loudly. Load clothes back in. Start short wash cycle. Sulk.
Friday, June 08, 2012
It's a fiscal plan, Charlie Brown
I've just spent a very happy hour doing a chart prediction of how much I could save by this time next year, by incrementally increasing how much I save. I really, really want to get up to saving that magical 10% of my yearly salary number. I'm realising that this is not out of the realm of reason. I just have to stick with the budgeting, no matter how crabby and sobby it makes me. Having my calculations work out - that will be a great reward. Even if Murphy's Law says I will end up putting my precious savings into something annoying, like fixing my car or finally going to the dentist.
My point is, if I can just get into this habit now, I will a) be in a sensible place that means I'll never have to start OVER; b) never be rich, but always have a cushion instead of hording coppers; 3) have a good 30 or 40 years of saving time left.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
This year was supposed to be the magical threshold year, that gets me from managing, kind of, to financial confidence. It's so bloody boring, but it HAD to be done.
And the fact that I know for sure I won't have to change jobs and therefore salary any time soon? A sweet, glorious relief.
My point is, if I can just get into this habit now, I will a) be in a sensible place that means I'll never have to start OVER; b) never be rich, but always have a cushion instead of hording coppers; 3) have a good 30 or 40 years of saving time left.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
This year was supposed to be the magical threshold year, that gets me from managing, kind of, to financial confidence. It's so bloody boring, but it HAD to be done.
And the fact that I know for sure I won't have to change jobs and therefore salary any time soon? A sweet, glorious relief.
Three wasted days
Practically everyone has taken this week off, so the office is empty, empty. I felt sure that I would get LOTS done this week, what with the not getting bothered by anybody and all. Ha! I should know myself better by now, and should have just taken this week off.
As it is I have 12 days of leave left to take this year, and when exactly that is supposed to happen in between the deadlines and urgency, I have no idea.
So now it's Friday, and I have tons to do. I see a to do list in my future.
As it is I have 12 days of leave left to take this year, and when exactly that is supposed to happen in between the deadlines and urgency, I have no idea.
So now it's Friday, and I have tons to do. I see a to do list in my future.
Thursday, June 07, 2012
What I've been watching
Since I got an ipad through work, I've watched an inordinate amount of stuff via Lovefilm Instant. It's just so easy to stream! Especially after I increased my broadband allowance. Cough.
500 Days of Summer
I'm so disappointed in this movie. I expected to just love it - quirky characters, The Smiths on the soundtrack. These are key things on Liz's List for Pleasurable Viewing. But it was all way too self-consciously quirky and maudlin and just...blerg. Terrible movie. A colleague at work maintains that we're supposed to hate this movie, that the characters are deliberately annoying. Not so sure about that. That might be giving them too much credit.
Men in Black 3
You can't really go wrong with an MIB movie. Same formula, same jokes, good reliable humour. I liked it, it made me laugh.
Prometheus
Because I apparently live under a rock, I did not realise that this was a prequel to Alien/Aliens. So I thought I was TERRIBLY clever at picking up the Weyland reference, and the white Android blood. I thought my geek flag was flying high. And then it turned out that was the point all along and not a subtle reference to make me look good. Still an interesting movie though! I always enjoy it when aliens turn out to not be enlightened or friendly and actually just want to kill humans for their hubris instead. It's a fun alternative to the Happy Federation Families as seen in Star Trek. High points: Michael Fassbender as the creepy, perfect android and Noomi Rapace as an arse-kicking archaeologist. Low points: Charlize Theron, but she's always a low point. The movie raised some interesting ideas about intelligent design and meeting God and the notion of the great hereafter. But mostly it was an arse-kicking Aliens romp.
Friends with Benefits
Oh, Justin Timberlake. The only thing that makes me think that you're not a bad actor is the fact that you look and sound exactly the same in interviews, leading me to believe that you just ARE wooden and vapid. That said, I though Friends with Benefits was darn funny. Filthy funny, actually. And when I die, I want to come back as Mila Kunis's bum, because it is pretty perfect. And speaking of Mila Kunis, is it just me or is she suddenly everywhere? I watched an old teen flick the other day, and there she was! Bizarre. Anyway, I have this on DVD and I think I'll hang onto it for vapid, rainy day viewing.
Movies I've started watching but still not finished
RED
Ella Enchanted
The Runaways
500 Days of Summer
I'm so disappointed in this movie. I expected to just love it - quirky characters, The Smiths on the soundtrack. These are key things on Liz's List for Pleasurable Viewing. But it was all way too self-consciously quirky and maudlin and just...blerg. Terrible movie. A colleague at work maintains that we're supposed to hate this movie, that the characters are deliberately annoying. Not so sure about that. That might be giving them too much credit.
Men in Black 3
You can't really go wrong with an MIB movie. Same formula, same jokes, good reliable humour. I liked it, it made me laugh.
Prometheus
Because I apparently live under a rock, I did not realise that this was a prequel to Alien/Aliens. So I thought I was TERRIBLY clever at picking up the Weyland reference, and the white Android blood. I thought my geek flag was flying high. And then it turned out that was the point all along and not a subtle reference to make me look good. Still an interesting movie though! I always enjoy it when aliens turn out to not be enlightened or friendly and actually just want to kill humans for their hubris instead. It's a fun alternative to the Happy Federation Families as seen in Star Trek. High points: Michael Fassbender as the creepy, perfect android and Noomi Rapace as an arse-kicking archaeologist. Low points: Charlize Theron, but she's always a low point. The movie raised some interesting ideas about intelligent design and meeting God and the notion of the great hereafter. But mostly it was an arse-kicking Aliens romp.
Friends with Benefits
Oh, Justin Timberlake. The only thing that makes me think that you're not a bad actor is the fact that you look and sound exactly the same in interviews, leading me to believe that you just ARE wooden and vapid. That said, I though Friends with Benefits was darn funny. Filthy funny, actually. And when I die, I want to come back as Mila Kunis's bum, because it is pretty perfect. And speaking of Mila Kunis, is it just me or is she suddenly everywhere? I watched an old teen flick the other day, and there she was! Bizarre. Anyway, I have this on DVD and I think I'll hang onto it for vapid, rainy day viewing.
Movies I've started watching but still not finished
RED
Ella Enchanted
The Runaways
What I've been reading
I've been puttering along, rereading old stuff and picking books up and putting them down again. I'm sure I've missed a few off my list, but in the interests of an actual post, here are the two latest complete titles I've read. Don't judge.
The Lucky One - Nicholas Sparks
I was roundly mocked for 'fessing up to reading this on Facebook. Not only do I have this book, I have the movie tie-in cover with Zac Efron on it. I hate movie tie-ins and I hate Nicholas Sparks, although The Notebook was not a terrible movie. But I quite enjoyed The Lucky One. It's gentle drama, not much depth to the characters and not much story. But sometimes a little gentle drama is just enough to keep your brain engaged for a day or so, and it served me well on a train trip back from London. I think I'll hang onto it, reread it another day.
Salmon Fishing in the Yemen - Paul Torday
This book had a similar effect on me as One Day by David Nicholls, which left me screeching in outrage. But where One Day seemed to have at least a vaguely dramatically substantial reason for the you-know-what at the end, Salmon Fishing seems to end with nobody very happy at all, no growth, no development, and everybody is screwed. So what is the point? If you're going to leave everybody high and dry at the end of the book, you need to the authorial chops to pull it off. I'm not asking for happy ever after here, I'm just asking for a little sense. I took a look at the movie synopsis of this book, and I actually think it looks better than the book. Now, how often do you hear me say that?
Books I still haven't finished (but WILL)
A Visit from the Goon Squad - Jennifer Egan
The Descendants - Kaui Hart Hemmings
Robinson Crusoe - Daniel Defoe
The Lucky One - Nicholas Sparks
I was roundly mocked for 'fessing up to reading this on Facebook. Not only do I have this book, I have the movie tie-in cover with Zac Efron on it. I hate movie tie-ins and I hate Nicholas Sparks, although The Notebook was not a terrible movie. But I quite enjoyed The Lucky One. It's gentle drama, not much depth to the characters and not much story. But sometimes a little gentle drama is just enough to keep your brain engaged for a day or so, and it served me well on a train trip back from London. I think I'll hang onto it, reread it another day.
Salmon Fishing in the Yemen - Paul Torday
This book had a similar effect on me as One Day by David Nicholls, which left me screeching in outrage. But where One Day seemed to have at least a vaguely dramatically substantial reason for the you-know-what at the end, Salmon Fishing seems to end with nobody very happy at all, no growth, no development, and everybody is screwed. So what is the point? If you're going to leave everybody high and dry at the end of the book, you need to the authorial chops to pull it off. I'm not asking for happy ever after here, I'm just asking for a little sense. I took a look at the movie synopsis of this book, and I actually think it looks better than the book. Now, how often do you hear me say that?
Books I still haven't finished (but WILL)
A Visit from the Goon Squad - Jennifer Egan
The Descendants - Kaui Hart Hemmings
Robinson Crusoe - Daniel Defoe
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Gearing up to be irritated
I had to switch GP surgeries when I moved, which I wasn't happy about, because I loved my GP. Anyway, I need a fill up on various medications, which are a repeat, but I need to have my blood pressure checked. Also, one of my medications need to switch from syrup to tablet form.
I called in to request an appointment, and the woman at the front desk was so bloody obstructive. No, you don't need an appointment, you just have to come in and request it with a form. When I said I would need to have my blood pressure checked etc, she said I could do that with the machine in reception. I've tried that machine it doesn't work. Well you don't need a doctor to get your blood pressure done, come see a nurse. FiNE, I say, I don't care, just make an appointment. And prepare for my wrath on Monday when I try to get a repeat prescription over the counter and you try to give me that damned syrup again, which could have been avoided if you had just let me make a damn appointment.
This is going to go wrong, I'm expecting it to go wrong, and now I'm irritated in anticipation. But she would just not listen to me.
I called in to request an appointment, and the woman at the front desk was so bloody obstructive. No, you don't need an appointment, you just have to come in and request it with a form. When I said I would need to have my blood pressure checked etc, she said I could do that with the machine in reception. I've tried that machine it doesn't work. Well you don't need a doctor to get your blood pressure done, come see a nurse. FiNE, I say, I don't care, just make an appointment. And prepare for my wrath on Monday when I try to get a repeat prescription over the counter and you try to give me that damned syrup again, which could have been avoided if you had just let me make a damn appointment.
This is going to go wrong, I'm expecting it to go wrong, and now I'm irritated in anticipation. But she would just not listen to me.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Dear Spambot
Your mechanical bull riding is not welcome here.
Although, I do wish I knew if it was a mechanical bull you were riding, or if you feel that your bull riding is mechanical.
Oh well, a question for the ether.
thanks anyway,
Liz
Although, I do wish I knew if it was a mechanical bull you were riding, or if you feel that your bull riding is mechanical.
Oh well, a question for the ether.
thanks anyway,
Liz
Songs on the first mixed CD I ever made for myself*
Circa 2001, so I would have been about 19 and in second year of university. I was crazy in love with my friend R, who had taken an LOA half way through the year and moved to the UK. And the Best Friend and I were in a constant state of warfare with another friend, except I don't think we realised that until much later. And I was clearly deeply consumed by navel gazing. Some would say full of emo claptrap. Or, you know, 19. I still listen to some of this, but genuinely some of these songs I had forgotten about, but as soon as I heard 'Outside', and 'Fine Again', I felt that intensity again. And then cringed and laughed, because come on! 'I'm on the outside, I'm looking in, I can see through you, see your true colours'. That's about as subtle as a cricket bat to the head.
I was reading somewhere that we cling to relationships and moments, even ones that have turned sour since, long after they've passed because we crave the dopamine hit we got the first time we experienced it. Maybe that's all our late teen, early 20s drama is. Addiction to strong hits of dopamine. Ah, those were the days...
Arms wide open - Creed
Higher - Creed
Stuck in a moment I can't get out of - U2
Hanging by a moment - Lifehouse
Kryptonite - Three Doors Down
Anthem for the year 2000 - Silverchair
Smells like teen spirit - Nirvana
Closing time - Semisonic
Semi-charmed life - Third Eye Blind
Good Riddance - Green Day
Wonderwall - Oasis
All star - Smashmouth
How you remind me - Nickleback
Outside - Staind
Slide - Goo Goo Dolls
Fine again - Seether
Everybody hurts - REM
Flavour of the week - American Hi-Fi
All the small things - Blink 182
The Hamster Dance Song - Because Dominic White was being Dominic White.
* I'm not including the heinous mixed tapes I made for myself in high school by recording Bryan Adams songs directly off KFM.
I was reading somewhere that we cling to relationships and moments, even ones that have turned sour since, long after they've passed because we crave the dopamine hit we got the first time we experienced it. Maybe that's all our late teen, early 20s drama is. Addiction to strong hits of dopamine. Ah, those were the days...
Arms wide open - Creed
Higher - Creed
Stuck in a moment I can't get out of - U2
Hanging by a moment - Lifehouse
Kryptonite - Three Doors Down
Anthem for the year 2000 - Silverchair
Smells like teen spirit - Nirvana
Closing time - Semisonic
Semi-charmed life - Third Eye Blind
Good Riddance - Green Day
Wonderwall - Oasis
All star - Smashmouth
How you remind me - Nickleback
Outside - Staind
Slide - Goo Goo Dolls
Fine again - Seether
Everybody hurts - REM
Flavour of the week - American Hi-Fi
All the small things - Blink 182
The Hamster Dance Song - Because Dominic White was being Dominic White.
* I'm not including the heinous mixed tapes I made for myself in high school by recording Bryan Adams songs directly off KFM.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
I've got your number...
...except that I don't.
I've had to replace my phone and lost all my numbers in the process. Some of you have sent your numbers, so thanks, but some are still missing. Like my sister. Ahem.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I've had to replace my phone and lost all my numbers in the process. Some of you have sent your numbers, so thanks, but some are still missing. Like my sister. Ahem.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Wednesday, May 02, 2012
I'm a little busy at present
Me (sitting down at my desk with a cup of coffee): Right,
now I can review the book I’ve been trying to review all week!
English course that needs to be reviewed tomorrow pipes up:
No, no, me first, me first.
Me: Buzz off, I need to finish this and then I’ll get to you…
Science course that needs to be reviewed by tomorrow pipes
up: No, no, not him. Me! You need to pay attention to me! I’m more important!
Me: But you’ll only take 15 minutes which I don’t have right
now but will have tomorrow. Now, shut up, I’m concentrating.
Schedule: Are you sure you don’t want to review me first? I
mean, you’re going to lose track if you don’t update me.
Me: Stop with the distractions and let me finish this before
I do lose track.
Emails: I’m an email! Yay! Pay attention to me! Wooohooo! I’m
an email!
Phone: I never ring, but today I’m going to ring.
Ringringringringringring.
Boss: I’m on holiday today but before I went I offloaded a
bunch of ideas on your desk, which I’m sure you’ll be super excited about. They’re
due next week. Yay! I’m on holiday!
Developers: We’re sitting on our hands doing fuck all so you
don’t have to!
Meetings: We’re determined to keep you away from your desk
for as long as possible. You can just think about all the stuff you have to do
instead of actually doing it.
Dishes: It’s ok, ignore us, we’re just piling up collecting
mould.
Washing: We’re happy here on the floor. At least we’re
clean. Well, we think we’re clean.
Hamster (distorted by sawdust): Mmmmffffffff! Mmmmmfffff!
Bank account (emptily): I have nothing.
MA: Thought you’d lost me?! Well I’m still here! And you
have 6500 words to make up, you here. Better get cracking.
Me: Sob.
Other boss: All right?
Me: Oh yes. Just peachy. Might need another coffee though.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
I have about a million tiny things to tell you all...
...but I can't get my shit together for the 15 minutes it'll take to tell you all all about it.
Right now my brain is all cheese! book! shiny! ow, fell down! car! washing! meeting! TMA! avocado! movie!
I know, terribly intriguing. But I guess you'll just have to wait.
Right now my brain is all cheese! book! shiny! ow, fell down! car! washing! meeting! TMA! avocado! movie!
I know, terribly intriguing. But I guess you'll just have to wait.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
The good moments
I just wish sometimes that it was the bad moments that filled the cracks between the good moments, rather than the other way round.
That the weight of the voice that says, fuck, I'd don't know if I can do this today, this week, this month, this year wasn't quite so heavy.
That there was a little more progress, instead of a week's good work and then two weeks' worth of paralysis. And that I didn't know that 20 or 30 years from now, I'm going to be screaming at myself now, asking her desperately why she's wasting time, and not getting on with...everything. Because That Moment will come. Maybe that's what's stopping me from moving, becoming better, being a better person, a better worker, just generally better, rather than all promises and no delivery.
Fuck, I don't know. I'm so tired. I need a holiday. And I DON'T want to spend it brooding on my failures. Is there ever going to be ENOUGH?
Holiday first, brooding later. That's the deal.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
That the weight of the voice that says, fuck, I'd don't know if I can do this today, this week, this month, this year wasn't quite so heavy.
That there was a little more progress, instead of a week's good work and then two weeks' worth of paralysis. And that I didn't know that 20 or 30 years from now, I'm going to be screaming at myself now, asking her desperately why she's wasting time, and not getting on with...everything. Because That Moment will come. Maybe that's what's stopping me from moving, becoming better, being a better person, a better worker, just generally better, rather than all promises and no delivery.
Fuck, I don't know. I'm so tired. I need a holiday. And I DON'T want to spend it brooding on my failures. Is there ever going to be ENOUGH?
Holiday first, brooding later. That's the deal.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Sunday, April 08, 2012
Easter Sunday
And suddenly what was dark and mournful and melancholy, is bright and new and full of light. I think I understand the melancholy more than the rejoicing.
It's easier to grasp sadness by the tail sometimes, I think, than trying to get a handle on resurrection and redemption.
"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."
It's easier to grasp sadness by the tail sometimes, I think, than trying to get a handle on resurrection and redemption.
"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."
Friday, April 06, 2012
Good Friday
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."
And to the bizarre woman, who apparently thought I shouldn't be taking communion and should just ask for a blessing, and then DEMONSTRATED how in the aisle and totally killed my concentration, to her I say pfffffft, and wtf?
And to the bizarre woman, who apparently thought I shouldn't be taking communion and should just ask for a blessing, and then DEMONSTRATED how in the aisle and totally killed my concentration, to her I say pfffffft, and wtf?
Things I learned on Maundy Thursday (or had forgotten and learned again)
That at the Last Supper, and through his time in Gethsemane, Jesus was surrounded by human frailty. He loves us in spite of our frailty, he died in spite of our frailty. Or because of it. Or for it. "We should love like that," the minister said. "But how do we love when we are broken?"
That taking communion on the night we remember the Last Supper is just FULL of poignance. The events that came after became so vivid, that Jesus moved from Passover to Gethsemane to betrayal. It made it riveting.
Watching the church being essentially readied for mourning was incredibly moving.
During the vigil, every ten or fifteen minutes there was another reading. People were free to leave at any time, but people left during the reading where Jesus asks his disciples why they can't just stay awake with him for one hour. That made an unexpected impression.
Every year I tend to go straight from Palm Sunday to Easter Sunday, from the entry to Jerusalem to the resurrection. It feels right, better even, to give every moment leading to the resurrection its proper weight, rather than rushing to the end. It's all in the layers, and I keep missing it. Plus, it seems to matter more this year.
That taking communion on the night we remember the Last Supper is just FULL of poignance. The events that came after became so vivid, that Jesus moved from Passover to Gethsemane to betrayal. It made it riveting.
Watching the church being essentially readied for mourning was incredibly moving.
During the vigil, every ten or fifteen minutes there was another reading. People were free to leave at any time, but people left during the reading where Jesus asks his disciples why they can't just stay awake with him for one hour. That made an unexpected impression.
Every year I tend to go straight from Palm Sunday to Easter Sunday, from the entry to Jerusalem to the resurrection. It feels right, better even, to give every moment leading to the resurrection its proper weight, rather than rushing to the end. It's all in the layers, and I keep missing it. Plus, it seems to matter more this year.
Wednesday, April 04, 2012
Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things. Mary Oliver
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things. Mary Oliver
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
Spring
To what purpose, April, do you return again?
Beauty is not enough.
You can no longer quiet me with the redness
Of little leaves opening stickily.
I know what I know.
The sun is hot on my neck as I observe
The spikes of the crocus.
The smell of the earth is good.
It is apparent that there is no death.
But what does that signify?
Not only under ground are the brains of men
Eaten by maggots.
Life in itself
Is nothing,
An empty cup, a flight of uncarpeted stairs.
It is not enough that yearly, down this hill,
April
Comes like an idiot, babbling and strewing flowers.
~Edna St. Vincent Millay
Beauty is not enough.
You can no longer quiet me with the redness
Of little leaves opening stickily.
I know what I know.
The sun is hot on my neck as I observe
The spikes of the crocus.
The smell of the earth is good.
It is apparent that there is no death.
But what does that signify?
Not only under ground are the brains of men
Eaten by maggots.
Life in itself
Is nothing,
An empty cup, a flight of uncarpeted stairs.
It is not enough that yearly, down this hill,
April
Comes like an idiot, babbling and strewing flowers.
~Edna St. Vincent Millay
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
It's a bright, bright, bright sunshiney day
I've been feeling a bit off just lately. Sort of up and down, emotionally, like my highs are really high but my lows are really low. And like my defenses are way down, so I'm even more oversensitive and nitpicky than normal. Not in any terminal kind of way, but in an unsettled kind of way, because there's the potential of a dark place that I really never want to return to.
I went down with one of my friends at work to watch the inter-office footy; we were triumphant in a meeting I was dreading; we sloped off for an hour to Starbucks to have a coffee and a yak.
And it's warm and clear at the moment.
And I'm visiting The Parents for the weekend, and going to see M and browse Foyles on Saturday, and then it's a four day week and then lovely Easter lunch with the Ms and others, and then ANOTHER four day week with dinner at mine in there, and then it's a birthday party and then it's off to Wales for a long weekend, and then it's a whole, lovely week off, which I intend to spend sitting on The Parents' couch.
And yes, I have an essay to finish in there. And a lot of work coming down the pipe at me. And having kind of an intense time with my boss right now, who is a meteoric but likable pain in the arse. And, and, and. But at least I have stuff to look forward too as well. It makes the self-inflicted shit more bearable.
I went down with one of my friends at work to watch the inter-office footy; we were triumphant in a meeting I was dreading; we sloped off for an hour to Starbucks to have a coffee and a yak.
And it's warm and clear at the moment.
And I'm visiting The Parents for the weekend, and going to see M and browse Foyles on Saturday, and then it's a four day week and then lovely Easter lunch with the Ms and others, and then ANOTHER four day week with dinner at mine in there, and then it's a birthday party and then it's off to Wales for a long weekend, and then it's a whole, lovely week off, which I intend to spend sitting on The Parents' couch.
And yes, I have an essay to finish in there. And a lot of work coming down the pipe at me. And having kind of an intense time with my boss right now, who is a meteoric but likable pain in the arse. And, and, and. But at least I have stuff to look forward too as well. It makes the self-inflicted shit more bearable.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Travelling to the Belowplace
Skimming
transcluscent trails over a surface in thinly
this guarded space.
waiting
(so tired)
for the bubble's
gilded to break
for the sinking that will
follow
as each spindlelimb
is suckedsuckedsucked
through tiny crevasses.
Miniscule gaping miniscule traps into the thick
(so tired)
sticky fluid of the belowplace.
transcluscent trails over a surface in thinly
this guarded space.
waiting
(so tired)
for the bubble's
gilded to break
for the sinking that will
follow
as each spindlelimb
is suckedsuckedsucked
through tiny crevasses.
Miniscule gaping miniscule traps into the thick
(so tired)
sticky fluid of the belowplace.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Teh internetz
I need to remember that 98% of people on the internetz are stupid and/or lying about their lives.
And I have to stay off the internetz.
And I have to stay off the internetz.
As Bridget Jones always says...
“It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.”
Dear Universe, I'd just like a little balance please! Thank you!
Dear Universe, I'd just like a little balance please! Thank you!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Woman in Black
Just in case you haven't seen my reviews anywhere else, I can summarise it thusly: terrifying.
I was a gibbering wreck throughout, and at one point I was gripping Hayley's hand so hard I thought my rings were going to cut off her fingers.
Great story though. Totally worth the terror. I can say that now. In the daytime. Brrrrrrrrr.
I was a gibbering wreck throughout, and at one point I was gripping Hayley's hand so hard I thought my rings were going to cut off her fingers.
Great story though. Totally worth the terror. I can say that now. In the daytime. Brrrrrrrrr.
Work life/real life/spiritual life collision
I had a very weird experience at church on Sunday. When I got to church I realised that one of my senior managers was there. He's the warden, which I did not know before I started going there. When I went up for communion, he was the one to give me the cup. "The blood of Christ," he said, giving me the cup. "Amen," I answered, all the while thinking, this feels so inappropriate. A few weeks ago I was in a meeting with you discussing money and resources and the future of my project. You approved my move from one department to the next. You know how much I get paid. And now you're part of a ritual I take part in to reaffirm my faith in Jesus?
It was so surreal.
It was so surreal.
Thursday, March 08, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Dear Universe
I would like to feel properly well, please. Properly well. Not this half way between well and unwell, with a slight advantage to the unwell.
Sunday, February 05, 2012
Useless Information - nearly SIX years later
I thought this might amuse my handful of readers. This was a blogpost I made on October 05, 2006. (I'm as surprised as anyone, by the way, that I'm still blogging after six years)
1) I once almost chopped my left middle finger off with an axe. - Still true. I was about to say I haven't chopped anything off since, but in fact I sliced off the end of my left index finger off in an ill-conceived bread and butter pudding incident in 2009, so there's progress. I guess.
2) I sometimes sing to myself before going to sleep. - Not so much anymore. Singing used to help my insomnia as I vainly tried to fall asleep. Now I don't bother, and just stay up. Although I don't get insomnia nearly as much as I used to. My vastly reduced anxieties prefer to visit me in the daytime nowadays, and don't haunt me at night.
3) I like skipping and hopping down passages. - Still do this, but English houses aren't really big enough for a proper hop or skip.
4) I like to imagine my funeral, and regularly write my eulogies. - I've stopped writing my own and am now writing my friends'.
5) I have flat feet and can go through a pair of shoes in less than six months. - Three months, in the case of Sainsbury's black pumps.
6) I practice what I'm going to say before I speak on the phone, because otherwise I get tongue-tied. A great bonus for a journalist. - I still practise what I'm going to say before picking up the phone, but I'm no longer a journalist.
7)The first dream I remember having was when I was four. I was trapped in a house full of white statues and their arms kept falling off. - This dream still has the power to freak me out, 26 years later.
8) I have a little sniffle everytime I look at a picture or video of my nephew. - Both of them, now.
9) I've always wanted to play the piano. - I'm a little closer to this, as I found out you can use the practice rooms on campus for free if you prebook the space.
10) I like slogan tshirts and want an entire collection. - I've added two to the collection in the last six years. My cajungas are not conducive to slogan wearing, but I love them all the same.
11) I can't do Embrace the tiger, Return to the mountain in taichi without falling over. - I can't do any tai chi, anymore, without falling over.
12) Berg winds make me grumpy and aggro. - I haven't felt a berg wind in nearly five years, but I think they still have the potential to piss me off.
13) I have fake eardrums. - Still true
14) I bruise like a peach. - True, true, true.
15) I enjoy telling really bad jokes because they get a great reaction. - I don't tell as many anymore, because I don't remember them. When did that happen?
16) I really love making an entire room of people laugh. - I still enjoy it when this happens, but I hope - hope - that the desperate edge to my desire to do this has faded. I think the last time was at New Year, when I had dinner with Margaret's interesting family, and I could feel myself saying more and more stupid and awkward things. I collected myself and then it went better by the end of the evening. But thankfully that doesn't happen ALL THE TIME anymore. Aaah, age.
17) I often feel that my entire life is a dream and I will be waking up at any second. - I don't want to wake up from my life anymore; if this is a dream, it's an awesome one.
18) I have a birthmark that stretches around my middle. - Birthmark is still in place.
19) I try not to cry in movies because I'm afraid people will laugh. - Now I just cry...but I do it ironically. Cough.
20) I like going to movies on my own. - Thankfully, still true.
PATTOTE: Better living through information you can now use against me. - Ah, PATTOTE. It's been a while.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Useless Information
I was tagged by Marissa to write down 20 random facts about myself, so here they are. I'm going to tag Kristy (so that she'll update) and anybody else who's keen. - Kris doesn't blog anymore and Marissa (AKA The Dude) is waiting for me to finish A Visit from the Goon Squad before she'll blog again. One of us is being held hostage, but it's unclear who...1) I once almost chopped my left middle finger off with an axe. - Still true. I was about to say I haven't chopped anything off since, but in fact I sliced off the end of my left index finger off in an ill-conceived bread and butter pudding incident in 2009, so there's progress. I guess.
2) I sometimes sing to myself before going to sleep. - Not so much anymore. Singing used to help my insomnia as I vainly tried to fall asleep. Now I don't bother, and just stay up. Although I don't get insomnia nearly as much as I used to. My vastly reduced anxieties prefer to visit me in the daytime nowadays, and don't haunt me at night.
3) I like skipping and hopping down passages. - Still do this, but English houses aren't really big enough for a proper hop or skip.
4) I like to imagine my funeral, and regularly write my eulogies. - I've stopped writing my own and am now writing my friends'.
5) I have flat feet and can go through a pair of shoes in less than six months. - Three months, in the case of Sainsbury's black pumps.
6) I practice what I'm going to say before I speak on the phone, because otherwise I get tongue-tied. A great bonus for a journalist. - I still practise what I'm going to say before picking up the phone, but I'm no longer a journalist.
7)The first dream I remember having was when I was four. I was trapped in a house full of white statues and their arms kept falling off. - This dream still has the power to freak me out, 26 years later.
8) I have a little sniffle everytime I look at a picture or video of my nephew. - Both of them, now.
9) I've always wanted to play the piano. - I'm a little closer to this, as I found out you can use the practice rooms on campus for free if you prebook the space.
10) I like slogan tshirts and want an entire collection. - I've added two to the collection in the last six years. My cajungas are not conducive to slogan wearing, but I love them all the same.
11) I can't do Embrace the tiger, Return to the mountain in taichi without falling over. - I can't do any tai chi, anymore, without falling over.
12) Berg winds make me grumpy and aggro. - I haven't felt a berg wind in nearly five years, but I think they still have the potential to piss me off.
13) I have fake eardrums. - Still true
14) I bruise like a peach. - True, true, true.
15) I enjoy telling really bad jokes because they get a great reaction. - I don't tell as many anymore, because I don't remember them. When did that happen?
16) I really love making an entire room of people laugh. - I still enjoy it when this happens, but I hope - hope - that the desperate edge to my desire to do this has faded. I think the last time was at New Year, when I had dinner with Margaret's interesting family, and I could feel myself saying more and more stupid and awkward things. I collected myself and then it went better by the end of the evening. But thankfully that doesn't happen ALL THE TIME anymore. Aaah, age.
17) I often feel that my entire life is a dream and I will be waking up at any second. - I don't want to wake up from my life anymore; if this is a dream, it's an awesome one.
18) I have a birthmark that stretches around my middle. - Birthmark is still in place.
19) I try not to cry in movies because I'm afraid people will laugh. - Now I just cry...but I do it ironically. Cough.
20) I like going to movies on my own. - Thankfully, still true.
PATTOTE: Better living through information you can now use against me. - Ah, PATTOTE. It's been a while.
Friday, February 03, 2012
Permanency
When I was at Homebase and loathing my job, my friend PA told me that since I was interested in publishing, and looking about for something new, maybe I should check out the OU. The OU? said I. Hmmmm. I started to do a bit of investigating, and it did look pretty good, but no job vacancies to be had. Then, after six months of penance in Retail Hell, the agency called and said that a short-term contract had come up at "a distance learning university". My chance, I thought, it's come!
It's weird that the only two risks I've ever taken in my life have been work related. Risk number one was not taking back my notice at Inside Housing, when the perfect job in Birmingham went under. That was largely motivated by pride, to be honest. I could not face asking for my much loathed job back. And, too my surprise, The Parents backed me up. Maybe they knew how unhappy I had been at work, I don't know. Unemployment didn't exactly last (two days), and then Homebase came up.
My second risk was taking the job at the OU at all. Three months is nothing, really. I had a feeling that if I took the contract and it ended, chances were good that Homebase would take me back. But thankfully, it was extended to six months. And then it was extended to a year. And then for another year. Since my very first day here I've known that I want to stay here. The potential for growth is just so amazing, and the opportunities for doing interesting things just keep coming up. Even when I was in my relatively boring business school role, I knew that I wanted to stick with the OU, and make it work for the long-term.
And now I have it, my lovely permanent job. I feel relief in every fibre of my being. Knowing that I won't need to go out there and find another job, because I've found my niche? That's just priceless.
It's weird that the only two risks I've ever taken in my life have been work related. Risk number one was not taking back my notice at Inside Housing, when the perfect job in Birmingham went under. That was largely motivated by pride, to be honest. I could not face asking for my much loathed job back. And, too my surprise, The Parents backed me up. Maybe they knew how unhappy I had been at work, I don't know. Unemployment didn't exactly last (two days), and then Homebase came up.
My second risk was taking the job at the OU at all. Three months is nothing, really. I had a feeling that if I took the contract and it ended, chances were good that Homebase would take me back. But thankfully, it was extended to six months. And then it was extended to a year. And then for another year. Since my very first day here I've known that I want to stay here. The potential for growth is just so amazing, and the opportunities for doing interesting things just keep coming up. Even when I was in my relatively boring business school role, I knew that I wanted to stick with the OU, and make it work for the long-term.
And now I have it, my lovely permanent job. I feel relief in every fibre of my being. Knowing that I won't need to go out there and find another job, because I've found my niche? That's just priceless.
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
Postcards
I'm thinking about you. What else can I say?
The palm trees on the reverse
are a delusion; so is the pink sand.
What we have are the usual
fractured coke bottles and the smell
of backed-up drains, too sweet,
like a mango on the verge
of rot, which we have also.
The air clear sweat, mosquitoes
& their tracks; birds & elusive.
Time comes in waves here, a sickness, one
day after the other rolling on;
I move up, it's called
awake, then down into the uneasy
nights but never
forward. The roosters crow
for hours before dawn, and a prodded
child howls & howls
on the pocked road to school.
In the hold with the baggage
there are two prisoners,
their heads shaved by bayonets, & ten crates
of queasy chicks. Each spring
there's race of cripples, from the store
to the church. This is the sort of junk
I carry with me; and a clipping
about democracy from the local paper.
Outside the window
they're building the damn hotel,
nail by nail, someone's
crumbling dream. A universe that includes you
can't be all bad, but
does it? At this distance
you're a mirage, a glossy image
fixed in the posture
of the last time I saw you.
Turn you over, there's the place
for the address. Wish you were
here. Love comes
in waves like the ocean, a sickness which goes on
& on, a hollow cave
in the head, filling & pounding, a kicked ear.
Margaret Atwood
The palm trees on the reverse
are a delusion; so is the pink sand.
What we have are the usual
fractured coke bottles and the smell
of backed-up drains, too sweet,
like a mango on the verge
of rot, which we have also.
The air clear sweat, mosquitoes
& their tracks; birds & elusive.
Time comes in waves here, a sickness, one
day after the other rolling on;
I move up, it's called
awake, then down into the uneasy
nights but never
forward. The roosters crow
for hours before dawn, and a prodded
child howls & howls
on the pocked road to school.
In the hold with the baggage
there are two prisoners,
their heads shaved by bayonets, & ten crates
of queasy chicks. Each spring
there's race of cripples, from the store
to the church. This is the sort of junk
I carry with me; and a clipping
about democracy from the local paper.
Outside the window
they're building the damn hotel,
nail by nail, someone's
crumbling dream. A universe that includes you
can't be all bad, but
does it? At this distance
you're a mirage, a glossy image
fixed in the posture
of the last time I saw you.
Turn you over, there's the place
for the address. Wish you were
here. Love comes
in waves like the ocean, a sickness which goes on
& on, a hollow cave
in the head, filling & pounding, a kicked ear.
Margaret Atwood
Monday, January 30, 2012
Flapjacks
When I lived in The Worst Digs In The Whole World, Leigh used to cheer us up on a Sunday evening by making flapjacks (dropscones, I'd call them, but chef's prerogative). She would slave over the stove, frying them up. I would stand at the counter or sit at the horrifying glass table with the saggy chairs, and gobble them up as quickly as she cooked them. I really want some damn flapjacksdropscones.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
A few reviews
Things I've read:
Irish Rebel
Classic, formulaic Nora Roberts. I didn't realise that this was number three in a series. I loathe reading books out of order, so I'm a little annoyed about that. This is one of her Silhoutte efforts, so it's fairly short and light. A little bit of steam though. And some horses. Not together, obviously, that's a genre Nora Roberts wouldn't touch with a barge pole.
Love Me, Love Me Not
I'm almost embarrassed to tell you how long this has been sitting on my TBR pile - a long, long time. It's a compilation of short stories from various authors. It's quite the hit parade of well known names, and there are some really super stories. There is a fair amount of sap, too, but then, it is a collection of stories about love. The gems are all the more brilliant for that. And not all have happy endings, which is even better.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Confession time. I have been meaning to read this book for a long, long time. I didn't actually know what it was about, but I had heard great things. On Friday I went to the cinema to see Like Crazy, and what should I see but a trailer for Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Oh, I say to myself, I'll have to read that now. Can't see the movie if I haven't read the book (that's the rule). And then I thought, damn, going to have to buy it, but I'm not allowed to buy another book until after I've finished my next essay and done the required reading for Coriolanus (that's another rule, and there are at least three books I want so you can see how hard this is going to be). And then after the movie I went home and was admiring my bookshelves (...shut up...) what should I discover but a copy of...Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. No, I don't know when I bought it either. It was terribly good though. I can usually separate myself from my experience of reading a book. I feel the book, but usually I'm quite dispassionate about it as I think about it in the real world. But this book...it didn't upset me, exactly, and it didn't give me bad dreams. But I had sad, unexplained dreams, and that was almost worse. A really complicated, painful, sad, enjoyable read.
Things I've watched
Like Crazy
This is what I wrote about this movie on the forum I post to:
Whip It
I'm not sure I could even tell you the names of the characters, the movie is a bit of a blur. I think I enjoyed it, but I watched as I was editing something, and then it was 5:30 in the morning and perhaps I need to watch it again and provide a better review. I do like Ellen Page, although she always seems to play another version of Juno.
Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows
Sigh. I enjoyed the first reversioned Sherlock Holmes a ton - I really liked Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr, and what they did with the characters. Big fan. But I fear I have been ruined for all non-Stephen Moffat versions of Sherlock Holmes forever. The fact that this movie deals with Reichenbach Falls didn't help - I could kick myself for not going to see the movie when it first came out. Then at least I could distance myself from the different interpretations of these characters.
Irish Rebel
Classic, formulaic Nora Roberts. I didn't realise that this was number three in a series. I loathe reading books out of order, so I'm a little annoyed about that. This is one of her Silhoutte efforts, so it's fairly short and light. A little bit of steam though. And some horses. Not together, obviously, that's a genre Nora Roberts wouldn't touch with a barge pole.
Love Me, Love Me Not
I'm almost embarrassed to tell you how long this has been sitting on my TBR pile - a long, long time. It's a compilation of short stories from various authors. It's quite the hit parade of well known names, and there are some really super stories. There is a fair amount of sap, too, but then, it is a collection of stories about love. The gems are all the more brilliant for that. And not all have happy endings, which is even better.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Confession time. I have been meaning to read this book for a long, long time. I didn't actually know what it was about, but I had heard great things. On Friday I went to the cinema to see Like Crazy, and what should I see but a trailer for Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Oh, I say to myself, I'll have to read that now. Can't see the movie if I haven't read the book (that's the rule). And then I thought, damn, going to have to buy it, but I'm not allowed to buy another book until after I've finished my next essay and done the required reading for Coriolanus (that's another rule, and there are at least three books I want so you can see how hard this is going to be). And then after the movie I went home and was admiring my bookshelves (...shut up...) what should I discover but a copy of...Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. No, I don't know when I bought it either. It was terribly good though. I can usually separate myself from my experience of reading a book. I feel the book, but usually I'm quite dispassionate about it as I think about it in the real world. But this book...it didn't upset me, exactly, and it didn't give me bad dreams. But I had sad, unexplained dreams, and that was almost worse. A really complicated, painful, sad, enjoyable read.
Things I've watched
Like Crazy
This is what I wrote about this movie on the forum I post to:
English girl in US meets guy, overstays student visa, much angst and separation as she is deported, they get married in the UK, US still denies her a visa, angst, angst, angst, the end. It was VERY emo. I thought the dialogue was very realistic, and very well paced. But it also reminded me excruciatingly of that phase we all go through in our early 20s, when we have those insanely dramatic and cringey relationships, with dramatic and cringey speeches and cutesy witticisms and ugh, I'm glad that's all over. She totally deserved to get deported, by the way, she knowingly overstayed her visa, and as we all know, You Do Not Fuck With The State Department or The Home Office, no matter how much you want to stay on Catalina Island and sleep with your emo, furniture designing boyfriend.Perhaps I'm just too old and decrepit and cynical for a movie like this..
Whip It
I'm not sure I could even tell you the names of the characters, the movie is a bit of a blur. I think I enjoyed it, but I watched as I was editing something, and then it was 5:30 in the morning and perhaps I need to watch it again and provide a better review. I do like Ellen Page, although she always seems to play another version of Juno.
Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows
Sigh. I enjoyed the first reversioned Sherlock Holmes a ton - I really liked Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr, and what they did with the characters. Big fan. But I fear I have been ruined for all non-Stephen Moffat versions of Sherlock Holmes forever. The fact that this movie deals with Reichenbach Falls didn't help - I could kick myself for not going to see the movie when it first came out. Then at least I could distance myself from the different interpretations of these characters.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
The Sister says I have bad car-ma
I just want to fall to the ground, kicking and screaming. Possibly going all stiff so no-one can pick me up. Except that for all I'm 30 years old, The Father would still wallop me for a tantrum.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Feeling obligated
I know, I know, we've just had a nice holiday. But even then, as relaxed as I felt, part of me was thinking about all the things I wasn't doing, all those obligations. Sometimes I feel like for every five minutes I sit on the couch and watch The Big Bang Theory, there's an hour's worth of tidying or studying or reading or walking or learning or editing or working or studying or writing or cleaning that I really, really should be doing.
I'm trying to fix this with a Big Ass Task List at home and a Big Ass Task List at work and a Big Ass Study Calendar for The Thing and my Big Ass Rota for tidying. But inertia wants to win in the worst possible way.
I'm trying to fix this with a Big Ass Task List at home and a Big Ass Task List at work and a Big Ass Study Calendar for The Thing and my Big Ass Rota for tidying. But inertia wants to win in the worst possible way.
Monday, January 09, 2012
Friday, January 06, 2012
A sad day for independence
By chance I logged into my work email while I was still in bed at 9:05 this morning. As you all know, my work habits are start late, work late, as my brain doesn't fully engage until around 10am.
Anyway, I checked my email by chance this morning and, wouldn't you believe it, my boss sent an email at 10pm last night scheduling a meeting for 9:30 this morning. It's a GOOD THING my commute is only five minutes.
So I have officially synched my work email to my Blackberry so I don't get anymore unpleasant surprises, especially since work is going to be hectic and all consuming until at least March. But I'm feeling a bit sad as well, because really, who wants an email from my curmudgeon of a boss at 11pm?
Sigh.
Anyway, I checked my email by chance this morning and, wouldn't you believe it, my boss sent an email at 10pm last night scheduling a meeting for 9:30 this morning. It's a GOOD THING my commute is only five minutes.
So I have officially synched my work email to my Blackberry so I don't get anymore unpleasant surprises, especially since work is going to be hectic and all consuming until at least March. But I'm feeling a bit sad as well, because really, who wants an email from my curmudgeon of a boss at 11pm?
Sigh.
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
The Flat of Awesomeness (or, The Awesome Flat)
Shit pics follow, because let me tell you, Blackberry cameras suck.
The door opens into the Flat of Awesomeness.
Is it a boxroom? Is it a study? Is it a boxroom? Is it a study?
Living room from different angles, including awesome lamp Leigh lugged all the way from Malawi.
Preparing for The Deluge (or, Happy New Year everyone!)
As I was explaining to my poor friend Margaret, who made the mistake of asking me how I was, I've only made one New Year's resolution for 2012, and that was to prepare for the deluge.
Sounds pessimistic, but I don't mean it negatively. Rather, I spent a lot of 2011 on the backfoot, so this year I'm going to do everything I can to put myself in a position that when disasters happen, I'm equipped to deal with them.
Car breaks? Got the means to fix it. Feeling insolvent? Take the steps necessary to feel more in control. Feeling dissatisfied? Got the ability to take myself away for a day, or go for a meal, or watch a movie and feel better. Feeling disconnected? Be a better sister/daughter/friend so I can embrace support more freely. Feeling unhealthy and sluggish? Be able to do something about it.
A cunning plan, I haz one.
Sounds pessimistic, but I don't mean it negatively. Rather, I spent a lot of 2011 on the backfoot, so this year I'm going to do everything I can to put myself in a position that when disasters happen, I'm equipped to deal with them.
Car breaks? Got the means to fix it. Feeling insolvent? Take the steps necessary to feel more in control. Feeling dissatisfied? Got the ability to take myself away for a day, or go for a meal, or watch a movie and feel better. Feeling disconnected? Be a better sister/daughter/friend so I can embrace support more freely. Feeling unhealthy and sluggish? Be able to do something about it.
A cunning plan, I haz one.
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